


All at Once It's You

by NoThanksss



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, But it's very mild and usually unintentional, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Angst, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Anger Issues, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Vitiligo, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Thomas Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, M/M, Musical References, Nico is mentioned, Past Character Death, Self-Hatred, Thomas Sanders Angst, Underage Drinking, in order to maximize your suffering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28996296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoThanksss/pseuds/NoThanksss
Summary: Janus has moved a lot in the last seven years. His parents can't seem to stand still, but Janus knows that they will never truly be able to escape the past.Janus didn't expect this move to be any different, but he was wrong. Because this time, his soulmate is waiting for him.With Remus by his side, everything is so much better, and for once Janus thinks he might just be able to be happy. But he should have known that it's never that easy...
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Thomas Sanders
Comments: 70
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. So. This was supposed to be a prequel. But the story really took over my brain, so here we are. Yes there is more to this universe that includes the rest of the characters not listed here, but that's not my problem right now.
> 
> This is a soulmate AU where anything you write on your skin will appear on your soulmate. Cliche? Yep. Do I care? Nope. For this AU, the messages start transmitting when the average age of the soulmates is ten years old. 
> 
> Hey, also, remember how _Guys and Dolls_ is already canonically associated with angst? How about I just make it a million times worse? Sound fun? That being said, there are a good number of _Guys and Dolls_ references in this story, including the title, which is from the song "I've Never Been in Love Before."
> 
> And of course, thank you so much for reading! Please check the tags (and let me know if I need to add more) as there is potentially triggering content in this story. It's also kinda spoilers, but I value your well-being more than that. Please take care of yourself<3

Janus stared wearily at the school building in front of him. This should be fun.

He sighed and set his shoulders firmly before heading toward the front doors. Might as well get this day over with.

Truth be told, he was getting tired of moving. He didn’t exactly blame his parents for it, but he would’ve thought that they’d have realized it was fruitless by now. It didn’t matter how many miles you drove when you carried the heartbreak with you.

But at least it was the start of the school year this time. No one would notice one new face in the crowd.

He trudged down the hallway, ignoring the excited voices cheerfully calling out to each other around him. He made his way to his first class, plopping down tiredly in his chair. The day hadn’t even started, and he was already exhausted. 

He glanced around the classroom. Most of the students were conversing with each other, discussing their summers or participating in other such inane niceties. No one was paying him any mind.

He carefully rolled up the sleeve of his sweater, checking for any new messages.

_First day of school! You excited?_

Janus allowed himself a small smile. It took a lot to make him smile nowadays, but his soulmate was one of those things that nearly always worked.

 _No_ , he responded.

_Hard same. Life really sucks sometimes, don’t it?_

Janus let out a short huff of air that could almost have been laughter.

_Tell me about it._

Janus looked up as the bell rang, and he quickly rolled down his sleeve. Time for physics, his absolute favorite thing to do first thing in the morning.

As the teacher went over the syllabus, Janus rolled up the edge of his glove slightly, watching idly as Remus doodled on his hand, filling the skin with stars, dots, and random squiggles. 

Janus liked his soulmate. Obviously he liked his soulmate, that was kind of the point. But the idea of meeting Remus sent shivers down his spine. He wasn’t sure which was more scary– the thought of depending on someone else like that again, or the thought that Remus might depend on him.

He didn’t think he was strong enough to handle it either way. 

But well, he didn’t have to worry about that yet. For now, he could go on exchanging relatively meaningless messages with his soulmate. He probably wouldn’t meet Remus at least until college.

He would deal with that when he got to it.

By the time he made it to his final class of the day, Janus was done. He slipped into an empty chair, slouching forward onto the desk and resting his face on his arms.

“Hey, did you know it’s against school dress code to wear a hat?”

Janus had forgotten about the yellow beanie settled on his head. Not a single person had mentioned it to him all day, and he wasn’t about to get flack for it now.

“F*ck off,” he grumbled, not opening his eyes.

The unknown student laughed. “Hey now, no need for that. I was just going to say that we’re rule-breaking buddies!”

The student sounded genuinely excited by this fact, and Janus blinked his eyes open in confusion. His eyes settled on the teen in front of him, and his heart stopped.

He was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. He was tall, definitely taller than Janus himself, and lanky. He wore a pair of jeans and a loose tank top that absolutely couldn’t be in dress code, but showed off his arms rather nicely. His bright green eyes shone with excitement, and his smile was crooked and endearing, even if it was topped by the dumbest mustache Janus had ever seen. 

And sure enough, a cap was placed proudly on top of his head, spun backwards in true delinquent fashion.

Janus blinked a few times, staring in shock at the student, and a strain from a song he hadn’t heard in years drifted through his mind. 

_I'll know when my love comes along_

_And I'll stop. And I'll stare._

He flinched. Why was it that song, of all songs?

The teenager in front of him didn’t seem to notice his distress. His eyes widened as he looked Janus up and down.

“Wow, your face is really weird!” he said excitedly.

“I… what?”

And then hands were grabbing his face, and Janus found himself staring into those bright green eyes that were suddenly much closer than they had been before. He gulped nervously.

“Seriously, dude, what’s up with your face? And woah, are your eyes different colors? That’s so cool!” 

Janus recoiled sharply from the stranger, his face burning. “I have vitiligo,” he said sourly. “It means that some patches of my skin lose their pigment. Sorry if it’s too weird for you.”

He had gotten insulted for his skin many times before, but for some reason it hurt more coming from this beautiful stranger. Which really sucked.

“Nah, man, I didn’t mean it like that!” the teen said quickly, and Janus eyed him curiously. “It’s cool!” He tilted his head, narrowing his eyes thoughtfully. “It kinda looks like a snake if you look at it right.”

“Oh.” Janus wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

“That’s wicked cool,” the guy said, his eyes flashing. “It’s like getting a tattoo, but for free.”

Janus stared at him. This guy seemed so… alive. Alive in a way Janus hadn’t been for years.

“Oh!” the student suddenly shouted, smacking a hand against his forehead. “I knew I was forgetting something!” He stuck out a hand. “I’m Remus.”

Janus’s eyes widened in shock. It couldn’t be… 

His eyes flicked down to Remus’s hand, but there were no doodles in sight. Janus wasn’t sure whether to sigh in relief or to cry. But then he glanced over at Remus’s other hand, rested easily on his hip, and froze.

Stars, dots, and random squiggles covered his hand. 

Janus’s eyes slowly moved up his arm, and now that he was looking he could plainly see the messages covering Remus’s left arm, messages that he was unmistakably familiar with. 

Messages that he himself had written.

“Uh… hello?” Remus asked, and Janus jumped. He had been so shocked that he had forgotten to respond.

Carefully, he fingered the edge of his glove, holding his hands close to his chest.

Remus frowned in confusion. “Dude, that’s not really how the handshake thing works–”

Janus pulled off the glove, and Remus stopped. He stared down at the familiar doodles in shock. His eyes slowly looked up to Janus’s face.

“Janus?” he whispered.

Janus could only nod.

Remus’s face broke into a huge grin, and he pulled Janus to his feet, spinning him around in a delighted twirl. “It’s you!” he exclaimed, and Janus felt a shock run through him as lips pressed against his own. He pulled back sharply, and Remus’s face fell. “Oh, sh*t, I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “That was dumb, Janus I’m so sorry.”

Janus gasped at the sound of his name coming from Remus’s mouth. He had never liked his name all that much, but it sounded good coming from his soulmate.

_His soulmate._

He hadn’t– he wasn’t expecting– he wasn’t ready for this! He couldn’t. He couldn’t! Not after–

He should pull away now. Leave before he got hurt, before _Remus_ got hurt. With Janus as part of the equation, heartbreak was inevitable. 

But then he looked up at Remus, who looked very small considering he was so much taller than him. He looked at this gorgeous boy who had sent sparks through him with just one kiss, who deserved better than Janus but was stuck with him anyway, who definitely deserved to not look like that, so sad and ashamed as if he had done something wrong.

Janus thought that maybe he could try to trust the universe just this once.

He reached a hand up to his mouth, the tingling feeling of unfamiliar lips planted against them still lingering. He glanced around at the mostly-full class, suddenly aware that every eye in the room was on them. 

He knew this probably wasn’t a good place or time for this. But you know what?

F*ck that.

He threw his arms around Remus and pulled him down into a kiss.

Remus’s touch was like electricity, and Janus felt alive for the first time in a long time.

He couldn’t help but smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yay, what a fun happy ending. I'm sure everything is going to be perfect from here on out. *checks word count of the yet to be finished story* hmm, maybe not.
> 
> (Song lyrics used in this chapter are from the song "I'll Know," also from _Guys and Dolls_!)
> 
> Thanks for reading, comments are appreciated :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to (try to) update this more often than I normally would for reasons, which is why it's getting another chapter so soon.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)

“Hi, honey,” Janus's mom said tiredly when she picked him up from school later that day. “Did you have a good day at school?”

Janus scowled, though he wasn't sure why. He could feel the walls that Remus had managed to poke his head over build themselves back up twice as high. 

“Well I didn't immediately meet my new best friend for life, if that's what you mean,” he responded bitterly. “It's just school.”

“Hey,” his mom said in an attempt to be cheerful. “Wasn't it even a little exciting? It's not every day you get to send your kid off for their first day of eleventh grade.”

“You're right. It only happens once, doesn’t it?”

Janus's mom flinched, and yeah, admittedly that was a low blow, but Janus couldn't bring himself to care. He hadn't been good at talking to his parents in years. He stared out the car window sullenly. 

The car fell into an uncomfortable, but familiar, silence, and Janus found his mind automatically wandering to Remus. Even just the thought of his soulmate had Janus smiling softly, surprising himself. But he couldn't help it. Remus made him feel more alive than he thought possible, and the thought of him alone set off emotions bubbling dangerously in his chest. 

He couldn't wait to see him again. 

Even if they had gotten detention for making out in the middle of the classroom. 

Which reminded him. 

“I have detention after school tomorrow,” he informed his mom. 

She sighed. “Already? What did you do?”

“I flipped off my math teacher,” he lied. “He was being a dick.”

“Honey, you can't just do that,” his mom said in a strained voice. “Can you try to stay out of trouble this year? Please?”

“No promises,” he said flippantly. 

“Please, Janus. It's your first day. Maybe you could try out a club, something to keep you busy.” She tried to keep her voice even as she pulled into their driveway. 

“Have you ever thought about… theater?”

Janus whipped his head around to stare at her, his eyes widening in shock. He couldn't believe it. She should know better.

“I'd rather die,” he hissed, and he wasn't sure if he was satisfied or guilty at his mom's strangled gasp. It was hard to tell with that familiar anger burning in his gut. 

He exited the car, slamming the door behind him. He stalked to the front door, taking out the extra key they had under the doormat and letting himself in. His mom didn't follow him. Good. 

He marched to his room and dropped onto his bed, screaming into his pillow. He hated her. He hated her so much.

After a few more muted screams, Janus gave up, laying limply on his bed, his face still buried in his pillow. It was great, up until the point that he had to breathe.

He rolled over with a disgruntled sound, breathing in a sharp breath of air to compensate.

Not sure what else to do, Janus pulled out his phone and skimmed through his contacts, finding Remus's name. They had exchanged numbers earlier, figuring that it was a far more convenient way to converse. 

He hesitated for a second. He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to bother Remus with this. He wouldn't understand, anyway. 

**Janus:** _Hey_

There. At least it was something. 

He was surprised when he immediately got a message back. 

**Remus:** _HI!!!!!_

Janus chuckled, then immediately froze. How had Remus managed to do that? He had been so angry only moments before, but with just a word, Remus had dissipated those feelings.

He wasn’t sure what to say next, but luckily Remus beat him to it.

 **Remus:** _Wanna hang out tomorrow?_

 **Remus:** _After detention, obviously_

Janus smiled. 

**Janus:** _I’d love to_

 **Remus:** _Sweet! You can come meet my family :)_

 **Janus:** _Sounds good_

Janus turned his phone off and set it aside. He still couldn’t believe it. He had actually met his soulmate. And he was going to see him again tomorrow!

He heard the front door open as his mom entered the house silently, and he scowled. He didn’t want to talk to her. He plugged a pair of headphones into his phone and started listening to music while he worked on his homework, just to give him an excuse to ignore her. He didn’t have much to do, seeing as it was his first day, but that didn’t mean he had any intention of leaving his room.

As he finished up his work, he allowed himself to relax slightly, texting Remus in between watching videos on his phone. It was another few hours before his mom called him softly for dinner.

Janus didn’t look at his mom as he came out of his room. His dad wasn’t home. Of course he wasn’t. He avoided coming home like the plague. So did Janus, for that matter, but his dad actually had a valid excuse to do so in the form of a job, which was entirely unfair in Janus’s opinion.

Janus shoved a stack of papers in his mom’s direction. “Sign these,” he said flatly, and she nodded.

He sat down at the table, fuming. He picked at his plate angrily, his stomach too wound up to eat much of anything. His mom slid the stack of papers back to him with a shaky hand.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” she said quietly. “Maybe another activity would–”

“You don’t need to pick me up from school tomorrow,” Janus interrupted. “I’m hanging out with a friend.”

His mom startled. “A… friend?” she asked. “But you said…”

“I lied,” Janus said, rolling his eyes. “I’m sure I can get a ride home.”

“Okay,” his mom said with an uncertain smile. “That’s really great to hear, hon. Text me if you need me to pick you up?”

“Yeah,” he replied shortly. 

The table fell silent. Janus stared down at his food and found he wasn’t all that hungry. He pushed himself to his feet. “Bye.”

His mom opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again. That was fine with Janus. He didn’t want to hear anything she had to say, anyway.

He heard when his dad finally got home later that night. He heard the quiet whispers the two of them shared. He heard when his mom started crying.

But he couldn’t bring himself to care.

* * *

The next day, Remus found him at lunch. 

And with him was another Remus.

Janus stared at this duplicate curiously. This must’ve been Remus’s twin–

“Roman,” the twin introduced with a smile. “Janus, right? It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Janus blinked at him, before quickly smirking. He had a feeling… 

“The pleasure is all mine,” he said smoothly, grabbing Roman’s outstretched hand and pressing a light kiss to the back of it. He grinned triumphantly as a deep blush bloomed across Roman’s face. He knew it.

Remus squawked indignantly. “Hey! I want kisses!”

Janus laughed. “Don’t worry, my dear,” he said with a wink. “I have plenty of kisses to go around.”

And now Remus was blushing too, and Janus had never been more proud of himself. 

“Wow, Re, you could’ve warned me that your soulmate is an *sshole,” Roman grumbled, clearly embarrassed.

“I didn’t know he would do that!” Remus protested, just as embarrassed. Janus snickered as they sat at a table for lunch. 

“So Roman, have you found your soulmate yet?” Janus asked conversationally. 

“No,” Roman responded glumly. “It’s not fair. You’d think I would’ve found at least one of them by the time Remus found you, but noooooo. It doesn’t get to work out that way, does it?”

“One of them?” Janus echoed.

“Oh yeah,” Remus said excitedly. “Ro has two soulmates. It’s weird as hell, but he gets super gooey over both of ‘em, which means I have twice as much material to tease him with.”

Janus snorted. “Nice.”

Roman smiled at him gratefully. “Yeah well. It’ll be nice once I actually get to meet them.” 

Janus nodded in acknowledgement. 

“But for now, I win!” Remus cackled, and Janus jumped as a pair of arms looped around his stomach. He smiled fondly at Remus, truly unsure as to how his heart had been stolen so fast.

It scared him, a little.

But he couldn’t bring himself to push Remus away. Not yet, anyway.

“Yeah, yeah, we get it,” Roman said, frowning down at his sandwich.

“By the way, don’t your friends miss you?” Remus asked absentmindedly. 

Roman flipped a hand dismissively. “They’ll survive one day without me. It’s not every day you get to meet your twin’s soulmate.”

Janus scanned the cafeteria, trying to see if he could spot Roman’s friends. He had no clue what to look for, though.

“Theater kids, five o’clock,” Remus said, pointing. 

Janus flinched. “Theater…?”

“Oh yes!” Roman said, dropping his sandwich in his excitement. It fell against the table, a piece of bread escaping and falling to the floor. Roman didn’t seem to notice. “Do you like theater, Janus?”

“No,” Janus spat with probably more venom than was strictly necessary. The twins both gave him an odd look, and Janus cleared his throat awkwardly. “I mean– it’s not really my thing.”

Roman shrugged off Janus’s weird reaction. “Well, we can’t all be built for the stage,” he said with a dramatic flourish. He turned back to his lunch before letting out a despondent sigh. “Oh, my sandwich…” 

Janus and Remus exchanged a look and burst into laughter.

Roman gasped, affronted, which only made the two laugh harder. Eventually, though, Roman had to smile too, and Janus felt a strange warm feeling in his chest.

He could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: Roman does _not_ have two soulmates. But we won't be addressing that mess in this story haha.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated :)


	3. Chapter 3

_“Thomas?” Janus asked, his voice quiet but skittish. “Can I come sleep with you?”_

_He heard a loud groan, and a hand emerged from the pile of blankets on the bed to fumble at the lamp on the bedside table. Thomas poked his head out, rubbing at his eyes blearily. “Janus? What’s up, buddy?”_

_“I got scared,” Janus mumbled, gripping at the blanket draped protectively around his shoulders._

_Thomas’s gaze softened, and he lifted the blanket, patting the bed next to him. Janus was on the bed in a heartbeat, cuddled into his brother’s side._

_“Want to tell me what’s wrong?” Thomas asked sleepily._

_“It was dark,” Janus whispered. “And I think there were monsters in the closet.”_

_“Wow, you must be really brave,” Thomas praised. “Sneaking past them to escape? That must’ve been really scary.”_

_Janus nodded furiously, and Thomas chuckled. “Well, you’re safe now. I won’t let any monsters get you.”_

_“You promise?”_

_“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”_

_And snuggled into his older brother’s side, Janus believed him._

* * *

“Alright, how are we getting to your house?” Janus asked, once they had escaped the endless boredom of detention.

“Oh, I can just–” Remus began distractedly, then paused. “Oh wait. No I can’t. Any chance you have a car?”

Janus wrinkled his nose in distaste. “I’m afraid not.”

“Oh. Well then, I guess it depends,” Remus said with a shrug.

Janus raised an eyebrow. “Depends on what?”

“On how lazy you’re feeling today,” Remus said with a sheepish grin. “I have to share a car with Roman and our sister. Six kids means we don’t all get our own. They probably went home right after school while we were in detention. I kind of… forgot about that.

“So we can either walk home or I can bug Roman until he comes and picks us up. Up to you.”

Janus considered it. “How far away is your house?”

“Not too far,” Remus said. “Maybe a half hour walk.”

Janus looked Remus up and down. He was practically buzzing with excess energy, bouncing back and forth on the balls of his feet. He had already endured detention, and it looked like he might explode if he was forced to sit and wait some more. And it’s not like Janus had an overwhelming amount of homework to do or anything.

Besides, anything to keep him out of that house for as long as possible.

“I think I have some energy to burn,” he said with a sly grin, and Remus beamed.

“Sweet! Let’s go!”

Remus took off down the sidewalk. He walked like he had somewhere he needed to be, and Janus had to pick up his pace to keep up. He had a feeling it would take very little prompting to get Remus to break off in a sprint.

Remus skipped forward a few steps and turned around, facing Janus as he walked backwards. “I can’t wait for my family to meet you!” he said excitedly, gesticulating his hands wildly. “They’re going to love you!”

Janus half-smiled at that. “Oh yeah?”

“Definitely,” Remus said, nodding quickly. “I mean, just look at y–”

Janus suddenly reached forward and grabbed Remus by the shirt, tugging him sharply forward, eliciting a confused gasp from Remus. Janus watched carefully as the car drove by, his hand still fisted tightly in Remus’s shirt.

After a few tense seconds in which Janus allowed his heart to calm down, his grip relaxed. “Careful not to veer into the street, dear,” Janus said calmly, and resumed walking.

It was only a few seconds before Remus had caught up, now walking by Janus’s side where he could see where he was going. “Woah, did I almost get hit by a car?” he asked excitedly.

Janus frowned. He would’ve expected a bit more self-preservation than that. “Yes, and I’d prefer if you didn’t do it again.”

Remus laughed. “Yeah that would probably suck. It’d look cool though, don’t you think? Maybe I’d bust my head open and bleed everywhere or maybe I’d break a bone and it’d pop out of my skin or–”

“Remus,” Janus interrupted, shuddering slightly, and Remus’s face fell. 

“Sorry, I know it’s gross. I didn’t mean–”

“It’s okay,” Janus said quickly. “It’s not that it wouldn’t look cool. I just don’t like thinking about that happening to _you_.” 

Remus went pink at that. “Oh.”

Janus smirked. He couldn’t help but be a little proud at managing to shut up the incredibly talkative teen.

“What were we talking about anyway?” he hummed thoughtfully.

Remus blinked a few times, still stalled out, before snapping back to the conversation. “Uh… my family. Oh right! My siblings are crazy, but you’ll like them, probably.”

“Yes, I remember you talking about them before.”

“Oh yeah, duh,” Remus said, laughing. “Oh! Pop quiz!”

“Wait what?” Janus asked, glancing over at Remus curiously.

"Quick! Name all of my siblings!"

Janus blinked. He… wasn't prepared for this. "There's Roman," he offered. 

Remus snorted. "Amazing memory, I'm so proud."

Janus thought hard. Remus had an older sister, he was pretty sure. What was her name again? "Jessica?" he guessed. 

Remus clapped his hands excitedly. "We call her Jessie, but yeah!"

Then there was a bunch of littles. Janus would be lucky to remember them all. 

“Is there a Ben?” he ventured.

“Yes! Well, kind of! His name is Benito, Benny for short. Good job!”

But that’s where Janus’s memory stalled out. "One of them plays soccer, right? Or baseball?"

"Both. Those are different siblings, though."

Janus groaned. He was never going to keep track of it all. 

"I'm sorry, Remus, I can't remember."

"Wow," Remus sighed in mock disappointment. "Only three out of five. That’s not even a passing grade."

"Yeah, yeah, just tell me," Janus whined. It wasn't his fault that he didn't like paying attention when Remus talked about his siblings. 

"Fine," Remus conceded. "There's Philip. He's the one that plays baseball. Camilla, or Cami, as we call her, plays soccer. Benny’s the youngest."

Janus shook his head disbelievingly. He couldn't even imagine… 

"That's a lot of kids," he muttered. 

"Yep!" Remus responded cheerfully. "Okay, my turn!"

Janus frowned. "Your turn to what?"

"To name all your siblings, duh!"

Janus stiffened. But… Remus didn't– how could he–?

"Let's see," Remus hummed thoughtfully. "There's you, of course, and…"

Janus may or may not have stopped breathing in that moment. 

"And that's it!" Remus continued excitedly. "So? How'd I do?"

Janus forced a breath through his lungs. "Got it in one," he managed. 

"That's right I did!" Remus cheered, pumping a triumphant fist in the air. "Take that, loser!"

Janus managed a shaky smile. "Brilliantly done."

"I know," Remus said smugly. "Man, I'm jealous though. Do you have any idea how loud it gets with six kids in the house? It's a f*cking nightmare. It must be nice to have the place to yourself."

"It's not," Janus said automatically. Remus paused, giving him a curious look, and Janus realized that might not have been the smartest thing to say. 

"Sorry," he said, embarrassed. "But. It's not. Not all the time."

"Oh," Remus said, looking thoughtful. "Yeah, okay."

They fell into an awkward silence, and Janus cursed himself for his slip of the tongue. He shouldn't have said that, not without a proper explanation, and that was something he simply couldn't provide. 

As the silence stretched on, Janus searched his brain desperately for a new topic of conversation. He quickly found that it wasn't at all hard to find. Something had been bothering him all day, and he had been meaning to ask Remus about it.

“Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you not normally eat lunch with your brother? It seemed as though today was an unusual occurrence.”

“Oh, yeah,” Remus replied, seemingly unbothered. “He always eats with the theater club. A bunch of nerds, the lot of them,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“And you don’t eat with them?” Janus questioned.

“Aw, hell no,” Remus laughed. “I’m too ‘weird’ and ‘creepy’ to hang out with them,” he said, making air quotes with his fingers. He shrugged easily. “It’s not my fault they’re all boring as hell.”

Janus frowned. “Then who do you normally eat with?”

“Oh, you know,” Remus said evasively. Janus, unfortunately, did know.

“Well I say it’s their loss,” he huffed angrily. God, he hated theater kids.

Remus smiled, a small, shy smile that nevertheless lit up his entire face. Janus’s heart melted at the sight.

“Yeah, maybe,” Remus said. “They aren’t worth it though, honestly. I think I’d like acting, but all the stuff they do in high school is so tame. I’m more into like, horror films and stuff. Like zombies and sh*t? That stuff’s so f*cking cool,” he said excitedly. “I’d totally be into a film club, but our school doesn’t have one,” he said, a little disappointed.

“Maybe you could start one,” Janus suggested.

“Nah,” Remus said, making a face. “You need a faculty member to sponsor a club, and all the teachers hate me,” he said a little sourly. “They think I’m a no-good, bad-mouthed hooligan.”

“I mean… they’re not wrong.”

“Hey!” Remus cried, smacking Janus’s shoulder. “You’re supposed to take my side, jerk!”

Janus snickered, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Fine, fine! I take it back!”

Remus stared at him hard for a moment, before giving him a nod. “You are forgiven,” he said graciously.

“Oh thank goodness,” Janus mumbled sarcastically.

“I mean seriously though, the theater department at our school is so lame,” Remus said in exasperation. “All the newer plays are too full of sex and drugs so obviously we can’t do any of them. We’re stuck with all the old-timey stuff. Last year they did _Camelot_ ,” he said, wrinkling up his nose in disgust. “Talk about boring. Roman was totally into it, though. He’s all about princes and medieval stuff like that.”

“Somehow, I’m not surprised,” Janus chuckled. “Do you know what they’re doing this year?”

Remus thought hard for a moment. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “If anyone knows, it’s Roman. You can bet it’s something equally lame, though. When is the theater director just going to accept that sex and drugs is just something teens do?”

“Oh? Is sex and drugs something you do, then?” Janus asked impassively.

Remus jumped, his face blushing deep red. “Oh! I didn’t mean… I mean, I maybe… possibly… have drunkenly made out with a few people before… Which is probably totally not cool and I shouldn’t have done that or at least told you about it but I swear it didn’t go any further than making out and I’m not really into drugs myself I just know a lot of kids who are well I mean I maybe tried it once or twice but not anything too crazy because I’m not– I’m not– Are you laughing at me?”

Janus couldn’t help it. The quiet snickers he’d been trying to subdue while Remus rambled burst into laughter at the look on Remus’s face. He bent over, grabbing his stomach as he cackled at Remus’s expense.

“Oh my dear,” he wheezed, “You are too precious.”

“What?” Remus asked, completely baffled. 

Janus took another moment to catch his breath. “Let’s just say I would be very jealous if what we did yesterday was your first kiss,” he said with a teasing grin.

Remus blinked a few times, before suddenly nodding in understanding. “Oh yeah. My first was tragic,” he said with a shudder.

“I have heard that’s a common phenomenon,” Janus mused.

“Oh!” Remus said, turning to Janus nervously. “So you–?”

“Am just naturally brilliant at kissing? Yes. Yes I am,” Janus said.

Remus frowned, staring at him hard. “I’m calling BS.”

Janus gasped in offense. “How dare you insinuate that I would lie! I have never lied in my life, not once, ever.”

Remus snorted. “Now that’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.”

Janus grinned. “Maybe just this once.”

“So you have kissed someone before!” Remus said triumphantly, looking relieved when Janus finally conceded with a nod. “Okay, that’s good. It’s kind of a shame though,” he commented off-handedly. “We didn’t get to do the awkward first kiss together.”

“Please, Remus, I just told you that I was naturally brilliant from the start. No awkwardness at all. Please try to keep up.”

“Yeah, right,” Remus said, sticking out his tongue.

Janus chuckled softly. “Just think of it this way, then. Any previous kisses we may or may not have had were just practice so that we could be good at it by the time we found each other. You know,” he said with a smirk, “for those of us who needed practice.”

“You’re the worst, you know that?”

“I try.”

Remus pouted. “Now I really wish I could see you back when you were terrible and awkward, just so I could rub it in your stupid attractive face.”

“It would be difficult to see me back at a time like that, since it never existed, I’m sorry to say,” Janus said, extremely apologetically.

Remus groaned loudly. “Roman was right. You’re a complete *sshole.”

Janus snickered. “If it’s really bothering you, we could always try to recreate it,” he offered. “The awkward first kiss, I mean.”

Remus lit up at the idea, more than Janus was honestly expecting. “Okay!” he said excitedly. “Come here!”

Remus stopped, grabbing at Janus’s sweater and causing him to halt abruptly as well. He tugged him over until they were face to face. Janus raised an eyebrow. “You want to do this right now? In the middle of the sidewalk?”

Remus grinned recklessly. “Why not?”

And with those bright green eyes shining mischievously at him, how could Janus say no?

He tilted his head, leaning in slowly. Remus sighed contentedly, his eyes fluttering shut as he leaned in. Then, at the last second, Janus tilted his head completely the wrong way, causing their noses to bump awkwardly, preventing their lips from even getting close to connecting.

Remus’s eyes shot open. “Hey, what was that?” he whined.

“Your awkward first kiss, remember?” Janus said, backing away and continuing to walk down the sidewalk. “You’re welcome, by the way,” he threw over his shoulder.

“That. Was not. A kiss!” Remus said indignantly. “Hey, get back here! You owe me a real kiss!”

Janus picked up the pace as Remus chased after him. “That was what you wanted!” he yelled. “Don’t blame me!”

“Well, I’ve changed my mind! You get over here right now, you little–”

Janus broke into a run, laughing at Remus’s frustrated shout from behind him. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so carefree. And honestly? It was amazing.

“Janus wait! That’s not the way to my house!”

That caused Janus to pause, which was a big mistake. Remus slammed into Janus, knocking the air out of him. Through their combined efforts they just barely managed not to fall over, but Janus was still displeased by the outcome. Remus had his arms wrapped tightly around him, and Janus had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to escape if he tried.

“Kiss me, you jerk,” Remus ordered, panting slightly from his short sprint. And though Remus was endlessly fun to tease, Janus found that he was getting tired of their little game too.

“If you insist,” he purred, and pulled Remus down into a soft kiss. It wasn’t burning like their mildly inappropriate display the day before. It was gentle, and Remus melted into it.

Remus pulled away slowly, a grin spreading across his face. “Perfect,” he whispered, and Janus felt heat rise to his face. 

But before he could even attempt a response, Remus had grabbed his hand and was all but sprinting down the road, pulling Janus along with him. “Come on, we’re almost there!” he shouted. Janus noticed that they were definitely heading in the same direction he had been running only moments before. That sneaky little bastard.

“Remus!” he yelped automatically, but he didn’t truly mind. He smiled softly and let his soulmate pull him along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated<3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of Spanish in this chapter. Most of it is just little phrases because I know next to zero Spanish but there are a couple sentences in the middle, and I put translations for those at the end, just so you know :)

Remus pushed open the door to his house, and Janus couldn’t believe what he saw.

A small child sprinted across his field of vision, shrieking with laughter. He was being chased by a slightly older girl with murder in her eyes. 

“Benny, you give that back right now!” she screamed. 

The child, now identified as Benny, cackled. “Make me!” he said gleefully, which was probably a mistake because the girl immediately tackled him to the ground. A few tense seconds later, she emerged with a stuffed rabbit in her hands.

“If you ever steal Daisy from me again, I will kill you,” she threatened.

“Cami, please stop threatening your brother,” a tired voice called from another room.

“But Jessie,” Cami whined. “He stole Daisy!”

A head poked into the room. “Okay, that’s fair,” the older teenager, who Janus could only assume was Jessie, acknowledged. “Benny, stop taking your sister’s toys.”

Benny pouted. “Fiiiiiine.”

Janus blinked at the scene before him. It had all happened so fast. He realized suddenly that it wasn’t just Remus who was so vibrantly full of life. It was his entire family.

Janus’s heart ached. His family would never be this way. Never again.

“Hey everyone!” Remus shouted suddenly. “Come meet my soulmate!”

The house burst into noise, somehow louder than before, and Janus was left reeling. A small child had wrapped herself around his leg before he could blink. Another one had climbed up his side and was now clinging to his back, and Janus staggered under the unexpected weight. 

Jessie gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry about them,” she said. “I’m Jessie.”

“Janus,” he replied, still slightly dazed. “It’s– it’s fine.”

“Hey, do you have any candy?” Benny asked into his ear.

“Uh… no?”

Benny shimmied down off of his back. “Lame!” he declared. “Alex always has candy!”

“My soulmate,” Jessie offered in explanation. Ah. That made sense.

“I could bring some next time?” Janus offered uncertainly.

Benny perked up. “Come again soon, then!”

“You do not have to bring candy,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “They get too much of it as it is.”

“Not true!” Cami protested.

“Cami, get off of Janus!” Janus looked up to see Roman standing at the top of the stairs. “And that is absolutely true, and you know it.”

Cami grumbled, but Janus felt his leg slowly be relinquished. 

“You know, that’s enough meeting for now,” Remus said, eyeing Janus. “Let’s go to my room.” 

Janus allowed himself to be pulled along, still slightly shell-shocked from the entire experience. They trudged up the stairs and into a room a few doors down. Remus sat down on a bed and patted the spot next to him, where Janus sat gratefully.

“Sorry about that.” Janus looked up to see Roman leaning against the doorframe. “They’re crazy, I know.”

“Hey Ro, could you give us some space?” Remus asked, and Roman frowned.

“I always do my homework in here.”

“Just for today?” Remus pleaded. 

Roman sighed, but nodded. “Sure, but don’t do anything dumb while you’re alone together. At least not where the kids can hear you.”

Remus blushed deeply at the insinuation, but gave Roman a winning smile. “When have I ever done anything dumb?” he asked innocently.

“You do dumb sh*t all the time,” Roman said, rolling his eyes. 

“Name one thing!” Remus said, sounding affronted.

Roman hummed, pretending to think deeply. “I think I remember… wasn’t there that one time you got detention for, what was it? Oh right, making out with your soulmate in front of an entire class?”

Remus snorted with laughter. “Okay, that might’ve been dumb, but at least it was worth it,” he said, sending a wink Janus’s way. Janus quickly looked away, coughing into his fist. 

Roman chuckled. “Yeah okay, but don’t get up to too much with the kids in the house.”

“Oh my god, Ro, we wouldn’t do that anyway!"

“Just making sure!” Roman said as he walked away, leaving the door open behind him.

Janus and Remus stared at each other for a moment. 

"So… want to do inappropriate things where the kids can hear us?"

Remus went red. "Oh my god, no," he sputtered. "I mean, did you want– I mean we definitely can't–"

"I'm kidding darling, of course I'm kidding," Janus chuckled. "I'm sorry, you're just too fun to tease."

Remus made a face that could best be described as a pout. "Hey universe?" he yelled to the room. "My soulmate sucks, can I get a new one?"

Janus snorted. "Fine. No funny business, then. What do you want to do?"

Remus paused. "Oh. Uh, I didn't exactly think that far ahead."

"You don't think very far ahead all that often, do you?"

Remus started. "Hey! That's not– actually, yeah that's fair," he said a little sheepishly. 

"Homework?"

Remus smiled gratefully. "Sounds good. My math teacher said something about a unit circle?"

"Oh yes, mine too. It doesn't look too horrible, but I can't say I'm looking forward to the inevitable pop quizzes we're going to have over it."

Remus groaned. "Ah sh*t, you're right."

"I always am."

Remus stuck out his tongue in retaliation.

Janus chuckled. "Alright, let's see if we can't figure this out, shall we?"

The two spent the next few hours working on homework. Not the most exciting activity, perhaps, but it was low pressure, which Janus appreciated greatly. 

He didn't want to mess things up that quickly. 

* * *

Janus must have lost track of time because the next thing he knew, a voice from downstairs was calling, "Everyone come for dinner!"

Remus closed his textbook with a resounding thud. “Thank god. Come on, let’s go meet the rest of them.”

Janus followed Remus down the stairs with no small amount of trepidation. Remus’s other family members had arrived at various intervals, but they hadn’t ventured up the stairs, so he hadn’t met them yet, including Remus’s parents. To say that he was nervous was an understatement.

As soon as they reached the bottom of the stairs, someone was grabbing Janus. He stood still in shock as the person leaned forward, pressing her face to each of his cheeks and kissing in quick succession. 

“You must be Janus!” the woman said with a barely noticeable accent. “Encantado! I’m Remus’s mother, but please call me Valentina.”

“Uh… it’s nice to meet you,” Janus said as soon as he regained his bearings. He wasn’t used to family members being so… touchy.

A man walked forward, standing next to Valentina and draping an arm across her shoulders. “Paul,” he said, extending a hand, which Janus shook. “It’s nice to meet you, Janus. We’ve heard a lot about you.”

Janus glanced over at Remus, who grinned sheepishly.

“Please sit down,” Valentina said, ushering Janus to a chair. Remus slipped into the chair next to him. “We are so happy to meet you!”

“You’re in luck, Janus,” Paul said, sitting down as well. “My beautiful wife here has made the best empanadas you will ever have the pleasure of eating.”

Janus didn’t know what empanadas were, but he smiled anyway. “Thank you,” he said, not sure what else to say. 

The table quickly filled up with children. Janus scanned his eyes across the table quickly. There were Paul and Valentina, of course. He also made note of Jessie, Cami, Benny, Roman, and– he paused. That one must be Philip. Who knew where he had been earlier.

Now, if Janus had been at home, he would have scarfed down his food as fast as he could, taken it to his room, or just skipped dinner entirely. But he wasn’t at home, so he simply watched with narrowed eyes, trying to learn the protocol before he made a fool of himself.

“Let’s say grace,” Paul said. The family members reached out, grabbing each others’ hands. Janus easily grabbed Remus’s, then checked his other side. Roman. The teen sent him a wink, reaching toward Janus with wiggling fingers. Janus rolled his eyes, snatching Roman’s hand with a huff.

Janus tuned out as Paul said a short prayer. He knew he should close his eyes and bow his head, but he was too distracted watching the family. It was strange, seeing them all holding hands, united. Happy, even.

Incredibly strange.

“Amen.”

Remus squeezed Janus’s hand, and Janus jolted, saying a quick “amen” as well.

“Alright, team,” Paul said with a smile. “Let’s dig in!”

“So Janus,” Valentina said, “tell us about yourself. What do you like to do?”

“Oh,” Janus said. “Um. I like to read?” Remus passed him a basket of rolls and he took one before passing it on.

“Maravilloso! You must be so smart.”

Janus looked down, embarrassed. “I mean, I suppose so.”

“What about clubs? Are you involved in anything at school?” Paul asked.

“Oh no,” Janus said. “My– my family moves a lot. Never really seemed worth it to join anything.”

That was technically true. It wasn’t really the reason Janus refrained from getting involved at school, but they didn’t need to know that.

“Oh, you won’t be moving again soon, will you?” Valentina asked.

“No way,” Roman laughed. “They wouldn’t leave with his soulmate here!”

“Well, Roman, you know adults don’t always get a say in these types of things,” Paul admonished.

“Leaving now would be cruel and unusual punishment!” Roman protested. “To separate soulmates is no less than evil!”

“You’re not leaving, are you?” Remus asked, turning to Janus with worried eyes.

Truthfully, Janus had no idea. Sometimes they lasted longer than others, but they always moved on eventually. Perhaps if his parents knew that Janus had found his soulmate things would be different, but well. They didn’t. 

“Of course not,” Janus said, forcing a smile. It would be months at the very least, anyway. He’d worry about it if the time ever came.

“Why didn’t Alex come?” Benny asked, obviously bored. “I want candy.”

“Alex is busy tonight,” Jessie supplied.

“You don’t need anymore candy, mijo,” Valentina scolded. “And eat your vegetables. Now Janus, surely you have some other interests?”

“I… I like philosophy,” Janus offered tentatively. 

Roman snorted. “Nerd,” he coughed into his hand.

Philip and Cami both snickered as well. Benny didn’t seem to know what they were talking about, but he laughed in solidarity. 

“Kids, be nice,” Paul said.

“That’s wonderful!” Valentina said. “All those old philosophers had such interesting ideas, though I must say it’s difficult to get through those books. Do you have a favorite?”

Janus took a bite of an empanada, which appeared to be a meat-filled pastry. “This is simply delicious,” he said. “My compliments to the chef.”

“Gracias,” Valentina said, practically glowing from the praise.

“As for philosophy, I’ve always taken particular interest in the ideas of Max Stirner. His concept of egoism is simply fascinating. It really makes you think about the motivations behind everything you do.”

“Oh my god, he really is a nerd,” Roman said, sounding almost impressed, as if Janus’s capacity for nerdiness had exceeded his expectations.

Valentina clapped her hands together excitedly. “Oh, I knew you were smart! Remus is lucky to have you!”

“Yeah, god knows he could use some help in the brains department,” Paul said with a teasing nudge.

“Hey!” Remus said indignantly as his siblings snickered at him.

“Have you ever considered Academic Decathlon?” Jessie asked Janus. “It’s perfect for those who like to study niche subjects."

“Oh no, that’s okay,” Janus said quickly. “I don’t think so.”

“Too bad,” Jessie said with a shrug. “We could use someone like you on the team.”

“That’s not really my scene,” Janus said apologetically. 

“Okay, maybe not a total nerd, then,” Roman mused.

“Pass the empanadas, por favor,” Cami chirped. Janus obliged, passing the plate over.

The family continued to chat lightly, and Janus couldn’t stop himself from staring. The differences between Remus’s family and his own were uncomfortably obvious.

Remus nudged him in the side, and Janus jumped. “Hey, you okay?” Remus asked quietly. “It’s not too much, is it?”

“No, not at all,” Janus answered truthfully. “It’s just… you have a wonderful family.”

Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise. “What, these losers?”

“Remus!” Valentina said sharply. “Gracias, Janus, that was very nice of you to say.” Janus flushed red with embarrassment. He hadn’t meant for everyone to hear that.

“I’m a little surprised that you’re all here at once, though,” Janus observed. “You’re lucky that your schedules aligned so nicely.”

Paul laughed, a deep sound that filled the room. “Luck’s got nothing to do with it. I took off work today to meet you, and Philip is skipping the last half of baseball practice to be here.”

“Thanks a lot, by the way,” Philip grumbled.

“Cheer up, mijo,” Valentina said. “Aren’t you happy to meet Janus?”

“I guess.” 

He did not look particularly happy.

“Don’t listen to him,” Valentina said, sending Janus a smile. “We’re all very happy to have you.”

“Happy to be here,” Janus replied with a smile of his own.

“So, Remus…” Valentina said, switching tracks. Her face seemed perfectly innocent, but Janus was immediately suspicious of her intentions. “Ya lo has besado?” she asked slyly.

“Por supuesto,” Roman said with a grin. “Por qué crees que fue castigado?”

Remus groaned loudly, burying his face in his hands as the table burst into laughter. “It seemed like a good idea at the time,” he mumbled.

Paul caught Janus’s confused look and leaned over to whisper conspiratorially. “Don’t feel too bad. I’m in the same boat. Do you have any idea how frustrating it can be when your whole family speaks a secret language you don’t know?”

“It’s not a secret language, guapo, millions of people around the world speak it,” Valentina said lightly.

“Now that word I know,” Paul said, sending Janus a wink. He turned to his wife, a placating expression on his face. “I know, mi amor. You know I’ve tried to learn it for you.”

“Si, y como va eso?”

Paul stared at his wife blankly.

Valentina rolled her eyes. “Clearly you haven’t been trying hard enough.”

“I _am_ trying, it’s just hard!”

“Eres perezoso,” Valentina said disdainfully.

“What did you just call me?”

“If you’d practiced, you would know!”

Janus glanced over at Remus nervously. He felt like he maybe shouldn’t be here for this, like he was intruding. Remus caught his gaze and sent him a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered. “They’ve been having this fight for years. They don’t really mean it.”

Janus was inclined to doubt that, but he turned his gaze back to the couple. He studied them carefully, and this time he could see the softness behind their eyes and hear the fondness in every word. They truly were… happy.

“Fine, fine, I’ll practice more. Uh… más,” Paul said. “Bueno?”

“Bueno.” 

Valentina turned back to Janus with a bright grin. “So sorry about my husband, Janus.”

“Si, si, lo siento,” Paul said with a chuckle. “I’m sure Janus doesn’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Janus said quickly.

“Good man,” Paul said. He turned to address the rest of the family. “Alright, team. Any other news? I think Remus takes the stage tonight–” Remus grinned proudly– “but surely there’s other stuff going on.”

“The teachers talked to us about instruments today,” Cami said excitedly. “Do you think I could try the violin?”

“Really, Cami?” Remus drawled. “Everyone plays the violin. Don’t be so basic, pick something cool. Like the marimba!”

“They don’t teach marimba in school, bonehead!” Cami shot back.

“Don’t be rude, Cami,” Paul scolded. “Besides, you’re already in soccer. Adding an instrument on top of that might not be a good idea.”

“Tons of people do multiple things,” Jessie said. “I mean, I’m in both choir and AcDec. I’m sure Cami could handle it if she wants.”

“Yes!” Cami cheered. “I can totally handle it.”

“We’ll talk about it later, okay mija?”

“Bueno,” Cami acquiesced. 

“Anyone else?”

“Oh! Oh!” Benny suddenly perked up. “We did a craft in school today. Let me go get it!” He jumped from his seat and ran off before anyone could say anything.

“I _was_ having a good time at baseball before I was forced to leave,” Philip grumbled.

“We get it, Philip, you’re mad about baseball,” Cami huffed.

“You’d be mad too if they made you skip out on one of your soccer practices!”

“Oh, before I forget, the first practice meet for AcDec is in a couple of weeks,” Jessie interrupted.

“Oh, do you need something for it?” Valentina asked.

“No, just making sure these two know I’ll be needing the car,” Jessie said, glancing at the twins. “I said I’d give Alex and Sarah a ride, if that’s okay.”

“Of course that’s fine,” Paul said.

“Oh! Today we found out what play we’re doing this year–”

“Look!” Benny ran back in, interrupting Roman. He held up a picture, beaming proudly. 

“Wow, Ben, that’s a really cool, uh…” Paul trailed off, frowning. “Cat?”

“It’s a pig!” Benny said indignantly. “Why would I make a cat pink?”

“You know, I was wondering about that,” Paul said with a sheepish grin. “Sorry, Benny. I love it.”

“Yo también,” Valentina said, smiling. “I think such a magnificent pig deserves a place on the fridge.” 

“Yes!” Benny cheered.

Janus had to admit, he was getting a bit overwhelmed.

Remus’s family was just so… loud. And normal. And happy. The longer Janus stayed, the more something ugly curled in his chest, though he couldn’t quite pin down what it was. Of course, it was always possible that he was just jealous. But maybe… maybe it was something more than that. Maybe he was afraid that he would ruin this bright and happy family like he had ruined his own.

Remus seemed to notice his discomfort and slipped his hand into Janus’s. “You good?”

“Fine,” Janus lied, his eyes darting around as various family members spoke in increasing volumes.

Remus stared at him hard for a long second. He gave Janus’s hand a quick squeeze, then turned back to his family. “I’m going to take Janus home,” he announced loudly.

“Oh, so soon?” Valentina asked. “We haven’t even had dessert yet!”

“He needs to get home, actually,” Remus answered for Janus. “But I’m sure he’ll be back.”

“You better be, young man,” Valentina told Janus sternly. “We’re not letting you go that easily.”

Janus offered her a weak smile. “Yes ma’am.”

Remus was ushering him out the door before Janus knew what was happening. “Sorry,” Remus muttered. “I should’ve known it would be a lot.”

“It’s fine,” Janus said quickly. “I don’t have to go, really, I’m fine.”

Remus gave him a wry smile. “I know you better than that, Janus.”

It struck Janus as a weird statement. Remus had known Janus for all of two days. There were things Janus hadn’t told him, that he wasn’t planning on telling him if he could get away with it. Remus didn’t know anything about Janus.

Then again, it wasn’t as if he had been wrong.

The ride home was comfortably quiet. Remus turned on the radio and hummed along to whatever was playing. Janus had to look up the directions to his house, and he gave Remus instructions as they went.

Remus pulled up in front of Janus’s house and parked the car. For a moment, the two of them just sat there. Remus turned to look at Janus, his expression unreadable. The light of a streetlamp reflected in Remus’s eyes, and they seemed to almost glow in the light.

Janus hesitated. Remus seemed to be… waiting for something, almost. It made sense. This was the part where Janus should invite Remus in, introduce him to his parents, all that good stuff. But Janus would quite honestly rather die than bring Remus inside that cold, empty house. The idea was laughable, especially after meeting Remus’s family. Someone as bright as Remus didn’t belong somewhere as stifling as the house Janus was supposed to call home.

“I should go,” Janus said lamely.

Remus blinked. His mouth quirked to the side for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing just slightly. “Sure,” he responded after a second.

“Thanks for today,” Janus said, trying to convey as much sincerity as he could through his words. “I mean it. It was really great. So thank you.”

Remus seemed to relax at that. “Anytime, babe,” he said, his mouth twisting up into a smirk. Janus rolled his eyes. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Remus,” Janus said fondly. He leaned over, giving Remus a quick kiss before letting himself out of the car. 

Each step toward his house felt like another step toward his own death sentence. 

It wasn’t fair. Remus didn’t deserve to be stuck with Janus. Janus was too distant, too angry, too… broken. It would be better, if not for everyone, then at least for Remus, if Janus pushed him away before he got too attached.

But Janus was distinctly aware that it was already far too late for that.

 _I’m sorry, Remus_ , Janus thought as he let himself into the house, the door clicking shut behind him with a resounding finality.

_I’m too selfish to let you go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all have any idea how hard it is to write a conversation with nine people when you only really care about three of them?
> 
> I've only taken like, one year of Spanish so I had to use google translate. Feel free to correct me if it's not right. Anyway, here's what that part in the middle is supposed to say:  
> Valentina: "Have you kissed him yet?"  
> Roman: "Of course. What do you think he got detention for?"
> 
> The chapters will not keep getting longer, it just keeps ending up that way somehow.
> 
> Any comments are welcomed... I would like to know if people are reading..... please.........
> 
> Thanks for reading!! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :)

_Janus was almost done with his math worksheet by the time Thomas got home._

_He burst through the door, sending a wave to the friend who had dropped him off before shutting the door. “Mom, you’re never going to believe it!”_

_“Thomas?” their mom asked, a little confused. “What is it?”_

_“I got the part!”_

_Janus dropped his pencil, math forgotten. He jumped up and made his way to the kitchen, where his mom was already giving Thomas a hug. “You did? Oh honey, I’m so proud of you!”_

_“Yeah!” Thomas said excitedly. “I still can’t believe it. I mean, I seriously can’t believe it! I think maybe some of the juniors and seniors were upset that I got the part since I’m only a sophomore. Which I mean, I get that. I probably shouldn’t have gotten it. What was my director thinking, honestly–”_

_“Thomas,” their mom interrupted. “Your director gave you the part because he thinks you’re best suited for the role. You auditioned like everyone else, and you got chosen. You deserve this, okay?”_

_Thomas nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks, Mom.” He still seemed a little anxious about it though._

_Their mom frowned. “Did you remember to take your medication today?”_

_Thomas smiled sheepishly. “Oh no, I forgot. I’ll take it right now, though.”_

_And that’s when Janus barreled into him._

_“Did you really get the part, Thomas?”_

_Thomas laughed, squeezing Janus in a hug. “You bet I did, bud! From here on out just call me Sky Masterson!”_

_Oh. Janus frowned a little. “What if I still want to call you Thomas?”_

_Thomas chuckled. “I suppose that would be fine, too.”_

_Janus smiled. “Sing for me?”_

_“Did you finish your homework, Janus?” their mom cut in._

_“Yep!” he replied, ignoring his mom’s suspicious look. It was a lie, obviously, but he was basically done, so it probably counted. “Please, Thomas? Just one song?”_

_Thomas snorted. “It’s never just one song with you,” he complained, but cleared his throat anyway. Janus clapped his hands together excitedly, and pulled Thomas into the living room so they could sit on the couch together. They settled down in a comfortable rhythm, Janus flopping dramatically over Thomas’s lap while he sang, and Thomas accenting certain parts of the song with a vicious poke to the stomach or bop on the nose, which never failed to make Janus giggle. Janus loved when Thomas sang for him, and Thomas loved to do it._

_Thomas began singing, and Janus recognized the song immediately. Thomas had been singing it around the house for weeks as he practiced for the audition._

Suddenly I'll know when my love comes along

I'll know then and there

I'll know at the sight of her face

How I care, how I care, how I care

_Janus sighed contentedly, relaxing into Thomas’s lap as he sang. He giggled when Thomas changed his voice to sing the girl parts, and Thomas winked down at him._

_Finally, the song came to a close._

_“What happens after that?” Janus asked._

_“Ah-ah! Spoilers!” Thomas said, mimicking zipping his mouth shut._

_“Come on,” Janus whined. “I don’t want to wait to find out!”_

_“You really want to know?” Thomas asked with a smirk, and Janus quickly nodded. Thomas leaned over and whispered into Janus’s ear._

_“They kiss.”_

_“Ewww!” Janus shrieked, shoving Thomas away from him. “That’s disgusting!”_

_Thomas burst into laughter at Janus’s reaction. “You might think so now, bud, but you won’t one day. Well, maybe you still will. You never know.”_

_“I never want to kiss a girl ever,” Janus said defiantly, and Thomas snorted._

_“Same.”_

_Janus frowned. “But I thought–”_

_“Yeah, I’ll have to for the show. But that’s just acting. In real life, I wouldn’t kiss a girl.”_

_Oh. Okay. Janus supposed that made sense. “But you want to kiss somebody?”_

_“Well, I mean, yeah,” Thomas said, starting to look mildly uncomfortable. “I’ve told you about my soulmate, right?”_

_“Yeah! Nico!” Janus said, nodding eagerly._

_Thomas smiled. “That’s right. Well, I’ll probably want to kiss him when I find him. But, well. I have to find him first,” he said, a little forlornly._

_“So do you love him? Like in the song?”_

_Thomas looked surprised at the question. “Well. I mean. Yeah. Yeah, I think I do.” He looked happy at that, as if he had never truly thought about it before, but had now realized something incredibly important._

_“Well, I still say it’s gross,” Janus huffed, and Thomas laughed._

_“When you get your soulmate, maybe you’ll change your mind.”_

_But Janus was pretty sure that he wouldn’t._

* * *

Janus pulled away from Remus, a giddy feeling bubbling in his chest. He leaned in for another kiss, and Remus’s smile matched his own. They had met up before school and found a little spot where they could exchange soft kisses away from prying eyes.

“Hey,” Remus said a little breathlessly. “You want to go to a party with me tonight?”

“Absolutely,” Janus responded instantly. His parents probably wouldn’t approve, but that only made the idea more appealing.

Remus grinned. “Fantastic! It’s either a celebration of getting through the first week of school kind of thing, or it’s just an excuse to get drunk and forget that summer’s over,” Remus said with a shrug. “Either way it should be fun! Me and Roman always have a blast at parties, but it’ll be a billion times better with you there!”

“You flatter me,” Janus said, batting his eyes.

Remus snorted. “I’ll pick you up later, loser.”

“See you then,” Janus grinned.

Janus had been to his share of parties, but he had never been quite so excited for one. The school day passed achingly slowly, but eventually it came to an end. Janus still insistently ignored his mom when she picked him up from school, but he was far less passive aggressive than normal, too focused on other things to be bothered.

He changed out of his usual cozy turtleneck that swamped his body and into a black tank top and soft yellow shirt that hung off one shoulder. He kept his black jeans, but traded out his sneakers for some black combat boots. He refused to go without his hat and gloves, though. He wasn’t sure who he’d be without them.

In an unusual burst of cheerfulness, Janus grabbed a pen and began doodling hearts on his arm.

It didn’t take long for Remus to notice, and he quickly responded.

_Lmao loser_

Janus snorted with laughter. That was Remus, alright. 

_Let me know when you’re on your way_ , he jotted down quickly. Remus placed a checkmark by the note, indicating that he’d seen it.

Janus smiled fondly at the messages. He had never realized how happy finding his soulmate would make him.

He had some more time to waste, so he pulled out his homework. If there was going to be alcohol at this party, and there almost certainly would be, then he needed to get as much of this done as possible. He didn’t enjoy it, but knowing that he would be having fun later made it easier to focus in the moment.

Finally, his phone screen lit up with a notification. Remus was on his way.

Janus smiled, exiting his room. “I’m going out,” he yelled to the quiet house. He had almost made it to the door when his mom emerged.

“Where are you going?”

Janus paused in the doorway. “Out,” he replied dismissively.

“Oh.” His mom hesitated. “When will you be back?”

Janus wasn’t sure whether to laugh or roll his eyes. Most parents actually set curfews, but of course his mom would never do that. She was too much of a coward to do that.

“Later,” he responded, before walking out and slamming the door behind him.

He walked down to the sidewalk and sat down. He didn’t need an excuse for Remus to come up and ring the doorbell and, god forbid, meet his mom. It was far safer for him to wait here, far away from the front door.

It was only a few more minutes before Remus pulled up. “Hey, hop in,” he said, rolling down his window a little so that Janus could hear him. Janus quickly obliged, clambering to his feet and walking around the car, letting himself into the front seat. He glanced around in confusion.

“No Roman?”

“Ah, yeah,” Remus said, laughing lightly. “He said he’s busy tonight. Or something.” He filled up his cheeks with air before letting it out in one big puff. “We don’t need him, though! It’s… totally fine.”

Janus examined Remus closely. If he had to guess, he’d say that maybe it _wasn’t_ totally fine, but he didn’t want to push it. “What about Jessie? Does she ever come to parties with you?”

This time when Remus laughed, it seemed a bit more genuine. “Jessie? The Academic Decathlon champ? Ha, as if. She wouldn’t touch alcohol if you paid her.”

Yeah, that actually made sense, now that Janus thought about it.

“Well then,” he said with a tentative smile, “I guess it’s just you and me.”

Remus shook his head just slightly, as if dispelling an unwanted thought, then turned and smiled back at Janus. “Sounds good to me.”

It didn’t take long for them to get to the party. Janus had no idea whose house it was, but that didn’t really matter. It’s not like anyone was going to kick them out.

Remus wasted no time finding the drinks. He grabbed a can of cheap beer, but hesitated. “Do you mind?” he checked with Janus. Janus just shook his head, and Remus eagerly downed the can. “Woo!” he cheered, already grabbing another can.

Looks like Janus wouldn’t have to worry about alcohol after all. Someone had to make sure the two of them got home safely. 

Janus kept careful watch of Remus as he got progressively more drunk. He was clearly an experienced drinker, but Janus wasn’t taking any chances.

“Janus, Janus! Come play truth or dare with me!”

Janus rolled his eyes. “With a bunch of people I don’t know? No thanks.”

“They’re not strangers,” Remus insisted, grabbing at Janus’s hands pleadingly. “They go to our school, I’ve known them forever!”

“I think you’ve forgotten that I’ve only been going to this school for a week, darling,” Janus teased lightly. Remus just stared at him with wide eyes, and Janus wondered if he had even registered Janus’s reminder.

Janus sighed. “I’ll watch, okay?”

That seemed to be good enough for Remus, who immediately tugged on Janus’s hand, pulling them through the suffocating crowd. 

Remus plopped down in a circle of other kids, tilting as he did so and leaning into one of the other teenagers to catch his balance. The other student shoved at him, and Remus righted himself.

“Alright,” one kid said. “We got rules for this or what?”

“We need a punishment for if you refuse to do your thing,” Remus said.

“Take a drink?” someone suggested.

“But we’re all already drinking,” another pointed out.

“Oh!” a student exclaimed. “How about this? If you don’t do it, then you don’t get to drink until your next turn.”

Grumbles came from all around the circle, so it was determined to be a suitable punishment.

Janus leaned against the wall, watching as the game began. To keep himself entertained, he opened up his notes app on his phone and started writing down every truth that was revealed during the game. It was easy to learn the kids’ names and even easier to note their dirty little secrets. It was never too early to start gathering potential blackmail material, in Janus’s opinion.

The game proved to be entertaining in other ways, too. Remus consistently picked dare when it was his turn, so Janus was able to get pictures of his idiotic soulmate doing truly idiotic things. His favorite was probably when Remus attempted to do a headstand, but prank-calling the principal was a close second. That one didn’t yield any good pictures, but good memories that Janus would cherish (and use to tease Remus with) forever. He just hoped the principal didn’t care enough to try to track the number down.

Janus looked up from his phone. It should be Remus’s turn again soon.

“Remus!” a kid Janus had gathered was called Jupiter, called. Janus smirked. He knew it.

“Dare,” Remus said instantly, just like he had every time it was turn.

Jupiter rolled their eyes, but thought for a moment, coming up with a suitable dare.

“I dare you… to lick a bar of soap.”

Remus cackled. “Lick a bar of soap? That’s a lame dare. I’ll do you one better; I’ll _eat_ a bar of soap!”

Jupiter snorted. “Be my guest, man.”

“No, we’re not doing that,” Janus interrupted, stepping forward. “Come on, Remus, no soap for you.” He grabbed Remus by the arm, pulling him up to his feet roughly. 

Remus turned to Janus, a pout on his face. “Oh come on,” he whined. “It’s not like it’s any worse than deodorant.”

Janus pinched the bridge of his nose, groaning at the implications of that statement. He would deal with that later. “ _No_ , Remus.”

“But Janny,” Remus pleaded. “It’s the dare! I don’t get to drink if I don’t do it!”

Janus sighed in exasperation, though he couldn’t help but be a little fond. “First of all, that wasn’t even your dare. Second of all, you can just quit the game. This is a party, drink whenever you want.”

Remus blinked slowly, one eye delayed slightly as he processed what Janus had said. Suddenly, his eyes lit up with excitement. “You are so smart!” he cried, leaning forward and pressing a sloppy kiss against Janus’s mouth before taking another big swig of beer.

There were sounds of protests from the teens on the floor, but Remus just stuck out his tongue at them, bringing his hand up to his forehead in the shape of an L. 

“I’m out, losers,” he slurred.

He turned back to Janus. “What were we doing? Something to do with soap?”

“No,” Janus said, rolling his eyes. “Forget about the soap.”

“But we were doing something, right?” Remus pressed.

Janus realized that he needed to come up with something before Remus got distracted again, and especially before he got distracted by something dangerous.

“Dancing,” he said, blurting the first thing that came to mind. “We were dancing.”

Remus’s face lit up with excitement, and he immediately tugged Janus away from the game and into the crowd. He started bopping to the beat, which was barely discernible over the noise of the party. He danced with no shame, shimmying and shaking his body however he felt like.

Janus did not have enough alcohol in his system to deal with this.

“Come on, Jay, dance with me!” Remus pleaded, grabbing Janus’s hands in his own and shaking them along to the beat.

“Remus–”

“Dance!” Remus insisted, suddenly whirling Janus around in a spin that left Janus reeling.

He must’ve been making some kind of face, because Remus burst into giggles once they were face to face again. 

“Hey,” Remus whispered, barely audible over the racket. The low lights flashed in his eyes, which were somehow sharp and piercing despite his inebriation. “Dance with me.”

And really, how could Janus possibly say no?

Janus forgot about the crowd and danced.

* * *

Remus leaned heavily against Janus as they stumbled up to Remus’s front door. Janus reached to ring the doorbell, then hesitated. It was pretty late; he didn’t want to wake up any children if they were already in bed. He settled on a soft knock instead.

Janus tapped his foot impatiently as he waited. Maybe he should knock again? Or just ring the doorbell after all?

Before he could come to a decision, though, the door swung open. 

Roman stood in the doorway, thank god. Janus would’ve been at a loss if anyone else had come to the door. Roman took one look and immediately seemed to understand. 

“Come on, Remus,” he said, grabbing his brother and heaving him forward into the house. Remus mumbled something incoherent that Janus couldn’t make out. Janus followed them in, not willing to leave Remus just yet.

“Sorry about my idiot brother,” Roman said as he began the arduous process of hauling Remus up the stairs. Remus was way past gone, barely aware of his surroundings, and thus offering Roman no help at all. “He likes to drink way more than is good for him.”

“It’s fine,” Janus said automatically, glancing around. “I didn’t know your house could be this quiet.”

Roman chuckled softly. “That’s fair. The kids are in bed, Dad’s still at work, Jessie’s studying in her room, and Mom…” He trailed off, looking unsure. “She’s around somewhere.”

Janus hummed in acknowledgment. “Do your parents care about this kind of thing?” he asked, gesturing vaguely at Remus, who was basically dead weight at this point.

Roman gave half a shrug, his tongue sticking out a little as he pulled Remus up the last step. “I don’t think so. They know we go out most weekends. Not sure if they know what exactly we’re getting ourselves into, but I guess they trust us not to be overwhelmingly dumb?”

“They do?” Janus asked somewhat dubiously. “I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, well,” Roman said, “maybe it’s less _trust_ and more that they’re both insanely busy trying to keep track of six kids and so they can’t really spend too much time on the ones that are capable of some degree of responsibility.”

Roman dropped Remus onto his bed unceremoniously. Remus mumbled something uncomplimentary, but rolled over, snuggling into his pillow without further complaint.

“Besides, we always go together, so I think that helps them feel better about it.” 

Janus raised an eyebrow. “Always?”

Roman avoided his gaze. “Well. Almost always.”

Janus narrowed his eyes. That wasn’t suspicious at all. 

“Need a ride home?” Roman asked, clearly trying to change the subject. He reached a hand out, silently asking for the car keys.

“I was just going to steal your car,” Janus said with a small smirk. “But a ride works too.” He tossed the keys over.

Roman rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s get you home.”

Janus followed Roman down the stairs and back out of the house. He had to look up the directions to his house again, since he still hadn’t learned them in the week he’d been here.

“So… Remus said you were busy today?”

“Oh, uh. Yeah,” Roman said. “How long until the next turn?” 

“I’ll let you know,” Janus said. “What were you up to?”

“Homework,” came the automatic reply. 

“On the first weekend of school?”

“Hey, AP classes and all that. You think the teachers care that it’s the first week?”

“I know they don’t,” Janus said. “I’m in AP classes, too.”

The, “ _That didn’t stop me from going out tonight_ ,” was left unspoken.

They fell into an uncomfortable silence.

“Turn left up here,” Janus volunteered helpfully. 

Roman turned, but still didn’t say anything. His fingers tapped nervously against the steering wheel.

“That one’s mine,” Janus said, pointing in time for Roman to bring the car to a stop.

Janus didn’t care about waiting in the car for Roman, and he immediately reached over to open the car door.

“Wait.”

Janus paused, giving Roman a look. He was going for unimpressed, or perhaps bored, but it might have come off as curious in spite of himself.

“I just wanted to say…” Roman hesitated, fiddling with his hands in front of him. “Thanks. For going with Remus tonight. And I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.”

Janus rolled his eyes. “You think I care if you come or not?”

Roman chuckled half-heartedly. “Right. Well, thanks anyway.”

“Yeah, well. Remus may be an idiot, but he’s my idiot. I’m not just going to let him eat a bar of soap on my watch.”

Roman snorted with laughter. “He _didn’t_.”

“He did,” Janus said, laughing a little. “Or at least, he was going to.”

“My brother is so dumb,” Roman groaned, but there was an obvious fondness behind his words. 

“On that, we can agree,” Janus smirked.

Roman let out a little huff of laughter. “You know what, Janus? You’re not half bad.”

“A ringing endorsement,” Janus said dryly. “Bye, Roman. I’ll see you around.”

As Janus walked up to his door, he couldn’t help but wonder. Something seemed… off, with the twins. They clearly loved each other, but that didn’t change the obvious. There was something unresolved between the two of them. 

Of course, Janus could just be reading too much into things. But still… he was nervous. If they didn’t address whatever was going on, things might get out of hand. Someone could get hurt, and that someone could be Remus.

Janus shivered at the thought.

If only he knew how to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it still considered foreshadowing when it's so blatantly obvious?
> 
> Y'all, I have never been to a party/drunk alcohol in my LIFE so uh... yeah, sorry. No idea what I'm doing here.
> 
> I _swear_ the chapters are not going to all be this long. The next couple should be shorter... gotta figure out how to split them up tbh.....
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for reading, I would love to hear any thoughts you have!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has bullying in it, just as a warning.

It didn’t take too long for Janus to figure out at least part of the problem between the Prince twins.

It was only a few weeks into the school year. Janus was heading out to the pickup area to wait for his mom to show up when he spotted Remus by the side of the school, as well as… weren’t those some of Roman’s theater friends?

Janus changed trajectories. His mom could wait.

As he approached, though, he quickly realized that something was wrong.

“So Remus,” one girl said, drawing out the name. “What creepy thing are you going to talk about today?” A few of her friends burst into giggles behind her.

Remus looked thoughtful at the question. “Not sure yet,” he answered. “You kinda put me on the spot, here. Maybe decapitation? Guillotines are wicked cool. Or amputation? Wait, no, I’ve got it– blood! That works for both!”

With that unsettling exclamation, he slung his backpack off of his shoulder, opening it and beginning to rifle through it.

The girl lurched back a step. “Is that a threat?” she asked nervously.

Remus paused in his search and looked up at her, clearly confused. “I never said we were going to be talking about _your_ blood.”

“Ew!” she shrieked. “You’re such a freak!”

Remus huffed in exasperation. “You literally asked me, Katie. I don’t know what you want.”

Katie just stared at him. “What is wrong with you?” she demanded.

And that’s when Janus stepped in.

“Hello, Karen, was it? Kindly shut the f*ck up and back off,” Janus said, stepping protectively in front of Remus. Remus made a startled sound from behind him, but didn’t interfere.

Katie turned to him, scowling. “It’s Katie,” she snapped. “And who the hell are you?”

“I’m the person who will make your life miserable if you don’t leave Remus alone,” Janus said with a polite smile. Katie seemed unimpressed. 

“What’s wrong with your face?”

Janus stiffened slightly. Remus slipped his hand into Janus’s and squeezed it for reassurance.

“Not as much as will be wrong with yours if you don’t back off,” Janus replied pleasantly. “And yes, unlike with Remus here, that _is_ a threat.”

Katie stared at them, hard. Her friends shifted nervously behind her, clearly unsure what their next course of action should be. Janus didn’t care about them, though. He had eyes only for Katie, clearly the ringleader of the pack.

Eventually, Katie came to some sort of conclusion. Unfortunately for everyone involved, she came to the wrong one.

Katie burst into laughter. “Look at this,” she scoffed. “Just two little freaks standing up for each other.” Her friends followed her lead, snickering from behind her.

“I may not know what your deal is,” she said, pointing to Janus, “but you must be pretty unlucky if you’re stuck with Remus here.”

Janus narrowed his eyes.

“I mean, in every set of twins, one of them is unplanned, right?” she said with a smirk. “And I think it’s pretty obvious which of the twins was a mistake in this pair.”

Remus squeezed Janus’s hand again. Janus didn’t think it was to reassure him this time.

“I think my demands have changed,” Janus said calmly. “Now you owe us an apology before I will allow you to back off safely.”

Katie snorted. “Why apologize when I’m right? Remus is just a worse version of Roman and he knows it! Isn’t that right, Remus?” she said, faking sympathy.

Remus whimpered from behind Janus, his grip on Janus’s hand now painfully tight. Janus steeled himself. If he could just get her to shut up then maybe–

“Everyone would be better off if you had never been born! Maybe you should do everyone a favor and just kill yourself!”

Janus froze.

Katie continued to talk, but Janus was no longer listening. Anger thrummed under his skin, buzzing and filling him with energy.

“You know, I might have just let it slide,” Janus said with a regretful sigh, completely interrupting Katie. “But I’m afraid you have provoked me to action. Remus, hold my glove. I don’t want it sullied by the likes of her.” He tugged at the fingertips of his glove, slowly pulling it off before handing it to a very confused Remus.

“Janus, wait–”

“What are you going to do, freak? Punch me?” Katie grinned at him with what was honestly very misplaced confidence. “You can’t hit a girl.”

Janus flexed his fingers before deliberately curling them into a fist. He glanced up at Katie and gave her an innocent smile. “It’s called equality, b*tch.”

He pulled back his arm and had just enough time to see the astonishment and fear on Katie’s face before someone grabbed him from behind.

“Janus, don’t, she’s not worth it!"

“You want to f*cking bet?” Janus shouted, struggling as he tried to escape from Remus’s grasp. “Get back here, you b*tch! I’ll show you!”

But Katie and all of her friends were already gone. Cowards, the lot of them.

It wasn’t until they were completely out of sight that Remus relinquished his hold on Janus. Janus immediately turned and glared at him. 

“What did you do that for? She deserved it!”

“Yeah, but I’m not watching you get suspended or expelled over this!” Remus hissed. 

Janus paced back and forth, anger fueling him with energy. He pounded his fist into the palm of his hand repeatedly, trying to get out some of his aggression. “I hate her. I hate all of them.”

“Yeah, okay, but they’re not worth getting in trouble over! God, Janus, you’re supposed to hold the braincell in this relationship, get it together!”

Janus let out a deep breath and shook out his hands. “You know what, you’re right. I apologize."

Remus breathed out a sigh of relief. “It’s fine–”

“There are far more… interesting ways to get back at her,” Janus said, an excited grin growing on his face. “Do you know her last name? And the names of the other kids would be great, too. That’s all I need to make them regret being born.” 

“What? No. Don’t do anything to them.”

“And why not?” Janus asked, whirling around to face Remus. “What’s stopping me?”

“I am!” Remus hissed. “I refuse to let you get in trouble over something so stupid!”

“It’s not stupid! She… she told you to…” Janus cut himself off. He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

Remus’s gaze softened. “Yeah. She did. And that really sucks. But a few mean words won’t kill me. I’m okay.”

“But it’s not just you, is it?” Janus said, frustration threatening to boil over. He continued to pace restlessly. “You think you’re the only one that b*tch bullies? Not everyone can take that kind of treatment, Remus! Not everyone is strong enough to handle that! Someone needs to do something!”

He slowed to a stop, his shoulders slumping tiredly. There was silence for a moment, during which time Janus managed to compose himself. 

“Does this happen often?”

“Only on B days,” Remus answered. “It’s not a big deal–”

“They do this every other day?” Janus asked, glaring in the direction Katie and her friends had taken off in.

“Well. I mean. Yeah,” Remus said, shrugging lightly. “Not sure where they’re at on A days, but I guess it’s far enough away from me that it’s not worth it to track me down. It’s whatever, though, it’s not like I can avoid them.”

“Why not? Why do you even hang around?”

“Jessie has her Academic Decathlon meetings after school and Roman has theater stuff. I can go home, sit there for however long, and come back and get them, or I can just wait it out.” Remus shrugged again, looking entirely unbothered. “Usually I just wait. Gives those girls plenty of time to come find me.”

Janus frowned. “I thought they were in theater, though.”

Remus snorted, clear amusement on his face. “Oh, they are. Theater club’s only for those who got into the one-act play they’re working on.” Remus smirked. “They didn’t make the cut.”

Janus had to admit, that did make him feel better.

“They’re mad about it, though. Guess they’re taking it out on me since Roman’s off-limits.”

Oh, never mind. Janus felt bad again.

“That’s disgusting,” he hissed. “They shouldn’t mess with you just because they have their own problems.”

Remus sighed, putting a hand on Janus’s shoulder in mock seriousness. “Janus. Babe. I don’t know how to tell you this, but. That’s kind of a bully’s whole schtick.”

“I know, Remus, thank you,” Janus snarked back, nudging Remus’s hand away. “Doesn’t make it right. And Roman doesn’t stop them? Let me at him, I’ll punch him,” he snarled.

“Actually,” Remus interrupted cautiously, “I don’t think Roman knows. If he did, he’d do something. I think.” He didn’t sound too sure, though, and Janus’s heart broke.

“Well, why don’t you tell him?”

Remus shrugged. “Don’t want to mess up his friendships with the other theater kids. It’s not worth it.”

He fiddled with his hands anxiously, and Janus wondered if there was more to it than that.

“Wrong. You’re worth it, Remus,” Janus said. Remus flushed slightly, rubbing at the back of his neck with his hand. 

“I just wish I could _do_ something,” Janus continued, curling his hands tightly into fists by his sides. “Not just for you, but for any others, too. Those girls… they have no idea the damage they could cause. Something has to be done. Before… before it’s too late.”

There was a long moment of silence, and Janus stared at the ground, lost in thought. He hated this. He hated feeling so helpless. 

“Harris.”

Janus snapped his head up, looking at Remus in confusion. “What?”

“Katie’s last name is Harris,” Remus said measuredly. He was eyeing Janus with a mixture of wariness and determination. “I’ll give you a list of the other students too.”

Janus smiled. 

“You won’t regret this, Remus, I promise! Just wait, you’ll see what I can do to them,” Janus said, his distress forgotten in the thrill of the promise of revenge. 

Remus started to smile too as Janus’s excitement spread. “I can’t wait,” he said with a grin. “F*ck ‘em up, babe.”

“You can count on it,” Janus promised.

Janus went home that day with a list carefully tucked away in his binder. He would begin his research as soon as possible.

But in the meantime, there was something else he needed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Janus has plans...
> 
> He also has anger issues lol
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :)

“And that’s why I want to start a film club.”

Janus sent the teacher an innocent smile. He had picked his target carefully, and success was almost guaranteed.

Ms. Davis was a new teacher at the school this year. She was young, idealistic, and hadn’t yet accepted the terrible, unchangeable truth– teenagers suck. Even better, she already stayed after school every day to work on her grades. There was no way she would deny Janus his request.

Ms. Davis gave him a hesitant smile. “And you’re sure students will be interested in this club, ah, Janus, was it?” she asked.

That was another important consideration. Ms. Davis didn’t know him or his… questionable reputation.

“I’m positive,” he assured her. “I already know of at least one student who would love this club, and I’m sure there are many more.”

“Well, I don’t think it counts as a club unless there are at least five students, but if you can find them, I’d be happy to sponsor it for you,” Ms. Davis said.

Janus grinned. “Thank you!” he said excitedly. “This means so much to me! I’ll start working on the posters right now!”

As he left the room, his puppy-dog grin melted into a satisfied smirk.

Mission accomplished.

* * *

Janus sat down at the lunch table, slamming a stack of papers in front of Remus. “Happy birthday.”

He meant for it to come out sarcastically, but he was so genuinely pleased with himself that he couldn’t help the hint of cheerfulness that seeped into his tone.

Remus looked up from his lunch, a confused little smile on his face. “My birthday’s in June…?” He trailed off as he got a good look at the top paper on the stack. “What is this? …Film club?”

He cut himself off, looking up at Janus with wide eyes. “You didn’t.”

Janus smirked. “Oh, but I did.”

“I– Janus!” Remus slammed into him from the side, squeezing his arms tight around him. “I– what? When? _How?_ ”

Janus answered his questions one by one, ticking them off on his fingers as he went. “Film club, yesterday, and through a bit of research and just a little charm.”

Remus snickered at that, and Janus sent him a look. “What?”

“Oh, it’s just…” Remus placed an elbow on the table, resting his face in his palm and leaning over to look at Janus. “Charm? You?”

Janus felt like he probably should have been offended by that, but honestly? Remus kind of had a point. “I can be charming when I need to be,” he said with a shrug.

“I dunno, Jay,” Remus hummed. “You always give off ‘stay away from me or I’ll punch you in the face’ kind of vibes.”

“That is intentional, and I can turn it off if necessary,” Janus said, waving a dismissive hand.

“Is that right?” Remus asked. Janus paused. There was something in Remus’s voice, something a little sly, or maybe even smug. Janus caught his eye and immediately understood. Remus was issuing a challenge.

Janus huffed out a breath of laughter, but closed his eyes, trying to get into that goody two-shoes mindset. It didn’t really come naturally to him, but after a moment of focus, he got it.

He turned to Remus, his eyes wide open and vulnerable, the picture of innocence.

“Um, hello? Excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, Miss, but do you have a moment to talk?”

Remus was already snickering, but he stepped up to the role. “Oh of course, child,” he drawled in a particularly bad Southern accent. “Whatever can I do for a sweet thing like you?”

Janus was a little tempted to call it off so he could smack Remus upside the head for making the imaginary teacher _Southern_ , of all things, like seriously what the hell Remus– but he was dedicated to the role now. He had to prove himself.

“You’re Ms. Davis, right? My name is Janus Sanders, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He held out a hand politely.

“Yes, that’s me, Ms. Davis, from the beautiful little town of Podunk, Mississippi,” Remus improvised, reaching out and shaking Janus’s hand vigorously. “What is it, young'un?”

Remus stared Janus in the eye, daring him to break character. But Janus wasn’t one to back down so easily.

“Well, I–” Janus paused for a second, allowing a bit of nervousness to leak into his voice. “I walk by here everyday after school and I can’t help but notice your door is always open? Do you– I mean, do you, are you– are you usually here after school?”

Remus paused, a little unsure. This was entirely unscripted. Janus sent him a subtle nod. 

“…Yes?”

Janus smiled tentatively. “Oh, I thought so! That’s great because–” He cut himself off, looking away shyly.

“What is it?” Remus asked, dropping the act. He seemed genuinely curious about where Janus was headed with this.

“Oh, well, I just– I just had this idea?” Janus offered nervously. “It’s– it’s probably stupid, actually, never mind, I’ll just go–”

Janus made to stand up, so caught up in the act that he forgot that that was all it was. Remus grabbed his hand, pulling him back down to his seat. “I’m sure it’s not. What are you thinking?”

“Well…” Janus said, glancing up at Remus from where he had been steadfastly staring down at his hands. “I was hoping I could maybe… start a film club?”

From there, it was easy. Janus launched into a detailed explanation of the benefits of such a club, explaining how he had already figured out a schedule and printed out the paperwork, and that all he needed now was a teacher to sponsor it. He attempted to channel a bit of Remus in his rambling, borrowing his excitement about the topic to fuel his own. It was a bit easier to play the starry-eyed student when thinking about Remus.

“And that’s why–” Janus continued breathlessly, “that’s why–” He paused for just a second, glancing over at Remus. Remus was watching him fondly, a small smile on his face as he watched Janus ramble. Janus smiled wider, reaching over to grab Remus’s hands in his own, bringing them face to face. He spoke his next words in as gentle a voice as he could manage.

“That’s why I really, _really_ want to punch you in the face.”

Remus blinked. There was a moment of silence, and then he burst into laughter.

“Oh damn, you got me,” he snorted. “What the hell, babe, that was so good.”

Janus smirked, allowing himself a tiny bow for his performance.

“I mean, I’m not sure I’d call that charm, exactly, but it was definitely something,” Remus continued, still giggling at Janus’s little show.

“That role didn’t require charm,” Janus said offhandedly, “but I could do it if I needed to.” 

Remus raised an eyebrow at the wording. “Role? Damn, Jay, are you sure you’re not interested in showbiz? You’d rock at it.”

Janus’s mood immediately plummeted. “That wasn’t– that wasn’t acting. I don’t act.”

“Then what was it, Mr. Janus Sanders?” Remus teased, wiggling his eyebrows at Janus.

Janus scowled, looking away. He’d never put a name to it before, but if he had to? “Creative lying.” 

He refused to put his deceptions on the same level as the theater arts. What he did? It wasn't the same as the art that other people poured time into perfecting. It was coldly calculating and ceaselessly selfish, and only proved that he was anything but a good person.

But of course, Janus had already known that.

“Eh, tomato tomato,” Remus said, pronouncing not only one, but both of them incorrectly. “Obviously if you’re not into it, you’re not into it, but if you want I bet you could–”

“Well, I don’t want,” Janus snapped. Remus paused, giving Janus a curious look. Janus realized that he had tensed up considerably, his hands clenched into tight fists in his lap. He forced himself to relax, stiffness leaving his shoulders as he let out a careful sigh. “Sorry. I just– don’t like the idea of getting up on a stage, okay? Not for me.”

That… wasn’t exactly true. It wasn’t necessarily _not_ true, either, but it probably fell more on the “creative lying” side of the spectrum than not.

Maybe at some point in the past Janus would’ve been willing to try out acting. It had certainly been a big part of his life for years, but… 

Anything related to theater just left Janus’s chest heavy with a big lump of _bad_.

“That’s fine,” Remus said easily. “I never said you had to do it, geez.” He turned back to his lunch, taking an obscenely big bite of his apple. Janus wondered idly how Remus avoided breaking his jaw with a bite like that. 

“Besides,” Janus said, resolving to put the whole acting thing behind them, “I’m going to be a little busy with this film club I just started.”

Remus perked up at the reminder. He chewed furiously, swallowing his food quickly. “Oh right! When does it start?”

“I set the first meeting for next Monday,” Janus said, pointing at the poster on top of the pile. “We have to put these up around the school today, try and get people interested. If no one shows, they’ll shut us down.”

“Well, that won’t do,” Remus said, mirth dancing in his eyes. “Not after such a brilliant performance from our very own Janus Sanders.”

Janus snorted. “Alright, alright, we’ll put them up after school? I’ll talk to the people at the office, see if they’ll stick it in the overhead announcements, too.”

“Wow, someone’s excited,” Remus smiled, poking Janus’s shoulder playfully.

“That someone would be you,” Janus replied, reaching over to pat Remus’s hand a couple of times.

“No way, you were excited, too!” Remus insisted. “You were practically gushing about the idea just a minute ago!”

“A carefully constructed lie, Remus,” Janus reminded. “You knew that already.”

“Oh, right,” Remus said, deflating slightly. Janus raised an eyebrow, and Remus chuckled a little awkwardly.

“I just… you seemed really happy for a second there. Don’t think I’ve ever seen you like that before.”

“It’s all a facade,” Janus deadpanned. “I’m actually ragingly depressed.”

Remus snorted with laughter at the unexpected joke. “Aren’t we all?”

Janus hummed in agreement, but didn’t respond, having just taken a bite of his sandwich.

“You’re… you’re not even a little excited, though? I mean, you’re not just doing this for me, are you?”

Janus paused, placing his sandwich down on the table and glancing over at Remus. He seemed… anxious, maybe. A little sad, almost.

It was funny. Remus was looking at him with wide, nervous eyes, almost as if he didn’t know that he was the first person to make Janus feel so consistently happy in years. As if he didn’t understand that just his presence was enough to ease the relentless ache in Janus’s heart. As if he didn’t realize that Janus would do just about anything to bring a smile to the face of the boy who had made life seem worth living again.

But Janus had far too much self-respect to say any of that sappy nonsense, so he just gave Remus a small smile instead.

“Do I need another reason?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did not expect Janus to become such a sap so soon but here we are lol
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are more than welcome<3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not vibe with this chapter but I'm tired and sad so please be nice to me

Olivia Sanders was, all things considered, a good mom.

For as long as Janus could remember, she had always done her best to be involved in her children’s lives. Be it school parties, theatrical shows, or sports events– not that the latter came up often, but still– she was always there, always willing to help out.

One thing she loved to do was bake. Janus often returned home from school as a young child to find a plate of cookies or brownies waiting for him, which was always a welcome treat. Olivia claimed that she did it because it gave her a sense of accomplishment. Looking back on it later, Janus would wonder if maybe she did it to fill the long hours alone in the house when her children were at school and her husband was at work. 

Of course, it was not impossible that she had multiple reasons for doing what she did.

Decorated cookies were her specialty– she was the best when it came to holiday-themed parties. Janus had consumed countless pumpkins, candy canes, and hearts over the course of his life. Olivia always glowed with joy when she saw the kids in her children’s classes happily munch away on her creations.

It was one way of showing just how much she cared.

So maybe she should’ve noticed when everything started falling apart.

But despite everything, despite how involved she insisted on being, she hadn’t. Or maybe Janus was wrong about that, maybe she _had_ noticed, but didn’t think to do anything about it until it was too late.

And honestly? That might just be a million times worse.

And Janus didn’t know if he would ever forgive her for it.

* * *

Janus grudgingly emerged from his room. He couldn’t skip dinner every night, after all, and he needed to talk to his mom anyway. 

He sat down at the table, glancing at the empty seat. No sign of his dad. What a surprise.

“How’s your homework going, honey?” his mom asked quietly. If Janus still had the capacity to care, he would’ve been sad at what she’d been reduced to. There was nothing remaining of the cheerful young mother he used to know.

“Fine,” Janus replied shortly. “I’m staying late after school tomorrow. And if things go well, every day after that as well.”

His mom’s mouth fell open in surprise. “Okay,” she said uncertainly. “Can I– can I ask why?”

Janus didn’t want to tell her, mainly out of spite, but he couldn’t really justify keeping this a secret. “I joined a club.”

“Oh,” his mom said softly. Confusion flickered behind her eyes as she tried to process this information. Janus just rolled his eyes. His parents really didn’t know anything, did they?

“Before you ask, it’s the film club. But it’s not a big deal.”

Too late. His mom lit up, if not with excitement then at least with a tentative hope at Janus’s first sign of interest in anything since– well, since that day.

“Oh, Janus, that’s wonderful! Do you like film? I could pull out some old movies you probably haven’t seen. Oh! I should make snacks! What movie will you be watching first? I can make those cookies you like–”

“Mom!” Janus snapped. His mom immediately fell silent, her eyes wide at Janus’s outburst. 

“I told you,” Janus reiterated slowly. “It’s not a big deal. I’m only telling you so you know to pick me up later. Okay?”

His mom hesitated, but nodded, her eyes falling to the table. She looked so defeated in that moment that Janus felt like he should… he didn’t know, like hug her or something. He suddenly realized that he hadn’t heard his mom sound so animated about baking since… well, he honestly wasn’t sure. 

If he was a good son, Janus would’ve apologized right then. He would’ve expressed excitement about the cookies, been grateful for the offer. He would’ve smiled at her, and maybe she would even have smiled back.

But Janus had never claimed to be a good son. Hell, Janus wasn’t good at all.

They finished dinner in silence.

* * *

Janus couldn’t help but be a little nervous. Sure, they had put up the posters, but that didn’t mean that anyone would actually come.

But, to his delight, it wasn’t long at all before two students came into the room, one hiding a little bit behind the other. 

“Hey,” the one in front said. “Is this the room for film club?”

“Yes!” Remus said quickly. “Yes it is!”

“Awesome,” the student said. “I’m Kai. I use he/him pronouns,” he stated firmly, as if daring them to contradict him.

“And I’m Elliot,” the other one said quietly. “I use… I use they/them pronouns. Please.”

Remus sent Janus an excited look. “I’m Remus!” he said. “He/him for me. Thanks for coming!”

Janus didn’t miss the way Elliot relaxed just slightly. He stepped forward and offered the students a warm smile. “And I’m Janus,” he said. “He/him for me too.”

Remus continued chatting with the students, but Janus fell back and watched for others. He absolutely loathed small talk; he had never been much of a people person without sufficient reason.

Thankfully, though, as time passed, quite a few other students entered. Some looked nervous, but all of them confirmed that they were there for the new club. Janus was almost surprised by just how many kids showed up. If even half of these kids came regularly, they’d easily hit the requirement for the minimum number of club members.

Finally, about twenty minutes after the final bell, Janus decided to start. 

“Welcome everyone,” he said, raising his voice just slightly to catch the group’s attention. “My name is Janus, and I’m the president of this club. And this is–”

“Remus!” Remus interrupted excitedly. “I’m uh… co-president! Thank you so much for coming!”

“Yes,” Janus said coolly. “Thank you. And a thank you as well to Ms. Davis, who has agreed to sponsor this club.”

Ms. Davis poked her head out from her small office in the back of the classroom and gave a little wave.

“The premise of this club is simple,” Janus continued. “We will be watching films every day after school and discussing them, if desired. Club meetings are tentatively going to last for an hour and a half each day. Clearly, some movies will have to be stretched out over several days, but that hopefully will not be an issue. Any questions?”

A small girl sitting in one of the back desks raised her hand. Janus chuckled softly, calling on her with an amused smile. 

“Yes? And what’s your name?”

The girl hunched up her shoulders defensively at the question. “Oh, I’m, um, I’m Annie,” she said, staring down at the desk as she mumbled her response.

“And what’s your question, Annie?”

“Do we, um, do we have to– do we have to do anything? To join this club, I mean. Most after school clubs you have to audition for or something and I just wasn’t really sure if this was one of those or if you can just show up or–” She seemed to realize that she was rambling because she quickly cut herself off, tilting her head in a way that caused her long hair to fall protectively in front of her face.

“No!” Remus jumped in. “No entrance tests or tryouts or anything like that! It’s just a place to relax after school and watch some movies!”

Annie visibly relaxed at Remus’s words. “Okay, thanks,” she mumbled, clearly uncomfortable with all the attention on her.

“Any other questions?” Janus asked, addressing the rest of the group.

“Yeah,” Kai spoke up. “How are we going to pick out the movies we’ll be watching?” he asked, interest sparking in his eyes.

“Excellent question!” Remus exclaimed brightly. “We’ve already got a few lined up, but anyone is free to throw out suggestions, and we can vote on them!”

“They have to be school appropriate,” Janus cut in. “And some films have copyright restrictions, but I’ll do my best to get any movie you’re interested in approved.” Janus couldn’t help a small smirk. He wasn’t too worried about silly things like copyright restrictions.

Kai nodded, satisfied.

“We’ll start the first movie tomorrow–”

“We’re going to watch _Frankenstein_!” Remus interrupted excitedly.

A kid Janus didn’t know tilted his head in confusion. “Isn’t that… rated R?”

“No, the original _Frankenstein_ ,” Remus clarified, grinning wickedly. “It came out before they even started rating movies!”

“Don’t worry, it’s allowed,” Janus said quickly, anticipating the group’s concerns. “And also not as gory as the more recent versions.”

“Aka not as cool,” Remus supplied. “But still good! I promise!”

Not everyone seemed particularly reassured by that. Annie looked as though she might be a little sick.

Still, when they started up the movie the next day, she was there. And she wasn’t the only one.

Janus surveyed the students scattered across the room with a satisfied smile.

Maybe he had really done something here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never seen any of the _Frankenstein_ movies, so I'm just assuming that the original is not rated R material, but don't quote me on that. It just seemed like the type of thing Remus would pick to watch XD
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated :)


	9. Chapter 9

_Janus looked up when his dad got home. He loved Fridays. His dad always got home early on Fridays._

_“Dad!” he cheered, running to give his dad a hug. His dad caught him with a hearty laugh._

_“Hey there, Jay! What’s up?”_

_“Watching_ Steven Universe _.”_

_His dad gasped. “Without Thomas? Do you have a death wish?”_

_Janus giggled. “He’s staying late after school for play practice. I don’t want to wait for him.”_

_“That’s fair,” his dad laughed._

_“Eric? Is that you?”_

_His dad’s eyes lit up as Janus’s mom entered the room. “Hey, sweetie!”_

_“Hi, handsome,” his mom said, approaching and giving his dad a quick kiss, causing Janus to groan loudly. “How was work?”_

_“Good, but not as good as being here with you,” he said with a wink. Janus’s mom tittered softly, rolling her eyes._

_“How long until Thomas gets home?” his dad asked._

_Janus’s mom dug out her phone, checking the time. “His friend should drop him off in about an hour.”_

_“Perfect.” His dad turned back to Janus. “Hey, come here, I want to show you something.”_

_Janus glanced at his mom, but she just smiled fondly. So he followed his dad, bouncing a little in anticipation._

_They stopped in front of the door that led out to the garage._

_“Now Janus,” his dad said seriously. “What I’m about to show you is top-secret information. Can you keep a secret for me?”_

_Janus nodded quickly, his curiosity growing. “Yes!”_

_His dad smiled, before throwing open the door with a flourish._

_Janus gasped. In the garage sat a beautiful red car. Janus knew nothing about cars, but he could tell that this was a nice one._

_“You like that?” his dad asked, amusement coloring his tone at Janus’s wide-eyed wonder._

_Janus nodded. He walked forward, running his fingers along the red paint reverently._

_“It’s for Thomas’s birthday. I’m still fixing it up, though. Missing a few pieces.”_

_“It’s beautiful,” Janus breathed. He turned to look up at his dad. “Will I get a car like this one for my sixteenth birthday?”_

_His dad snorted. “Asking the real questions, I see. We’ll see when we get there, okay?”_

_It wasn’t really an answer, and Janus knew it. He pouted, crossing his arms in front of him angrily. His dad just laughed, reaching over to tousle Janus’s hair._

_“Glad to see you’re interested, at least. Thomas doesn’t really care about cars that much,” he said with a muted sigh. “Want to help me work on it until Thomas gets home?”_

_Janus nodded eagerly. His dad got to work, getting Janus to help him by passing him the correct tools. Sometimes Janus didn’t know a requested tool, and his dad had to help him find it. Still, Janus felt a burst of pride in his chest whenever he was able to give his dad exactly what he needed, no questions asked._

_They were interrupted when Janus’s mom poked her head in. “Thomas is home,” she informed them. Janus’s dad gave her a salute as she backed out._

_Janus’s dad stood, wiping his hands on a rag. “Good work today, Jay. Don’t forget, you can’t tell Thomas, alright?”_

_“Got it!” Janus said firmly. Thomas’s birthday was only a few days after the play. He could keep a secret that long._

_As Janus and his dad slipped out of the garage to go say hi to Thomas, Janus glanced back at the car one more time. Even unfinished, it was beautiful to look at. Janus was almost jealous of Thomas._

_He couldn’t wait to have a car of his own._

* * *

Janus weaved through the cafeteria tables. As he passed one table, he subtly slipped a note in front of a student, easily going unnoticed.

He made his way to his usual table, dropping his stuff next to Remus.

“Hey, Remus,” he said. “Do you know Shawn Mason?”

Remus gave him a questioning glance. “Shawn? Yeah, I know him. Isn’t he–”

“Excellent. Do you think you could give this to him in about–” Janus paused for a second, considering, “–fifteen minutes?”

He handed Remus a sealed envelope. Remus frowned at it curiously. “Sure?”

“Thanks. I’ll be right back,” Janus said, absent-mindedly giving Remus’s head an affectionate pat.

“What are you up to?” Remus asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

“Who says I’m up to something?” Janus asked innocently.

“You’re always up to something,” Remus laughed.

Janus gave him a wry smile. “I’ll tell you when I get back, alright?”

Remus shrugged agreeably, and Janus pressed a quick kiss to his forehead before he was off again. He walked to the library, quickly setting himself up at an empty table.

Only a few minutes later, Katie Harris walked in. 

Janus smiled.

She spotted him immediately and stormed over. “This was you, wasn’t it?” she demanded, dropping a piece of paper on the table in front of him. Janus recognized his handwriting on the note.

_Meet me in the library in ten minutes. If you don’t, you’ll regret it._

“Please have a seat,” Janus offered, gesturing toward the seat across from him.

Katie crossed her arms angrily in front of her. “I don’t have to do anything, freak,” she spat, whirling around to leave.

“I’d be careful, Katie,” Janus called softly. “I’d hate for any of the… sensitive information I have to get out.”

Katie froze.

She turned back around slowly. “What are you talking about?”

Janus sent her what could only be described as a predatory grin. “Please have a seat.”

Katie sat.

“Do you remember the last time we spoke?” Janus asked in a bored voice. He fiddled with his gloves, tugging at the fingertips as if to take them off, before tugging them back on. 

Katie flinched, looking away. “Yes,” she grit out.

“The situation, regrettably, nearly escalated to physical confrontation, if you remember. Do you remember why?”

Katie hesitated, but eventually responded. “I was making fun of your friend,” she mumbled.

“Boyfriend, actually,” Janus corrected. Katie’s mouth fell open in surprise, which Janus promptly ignored. “And speaking of boyfriends–” 

Janus slid an envelope across the table. Katie stared at it nervously, before cautiously opening it. She bit her lip when she saw the contents.

“I doubt your boyfriend would be very happy to see those pictures,” Janus said, his voice dripping with pity. Katie’s grip tightened on the pictures, which showed her kissing someone who was decidedly _not_ her boyfriend.

Janus watched her carefully as she wrestled with indecision. This moment was crucial. Depending on her reaction, Janus might’ve ruined everything. Not the blackmail, no, he could still salvage that easily, but the aesthetic would be absolutely _ruined_ if she didn’t take it as far as he was expecting.

After a few long moments, Katie forced out a laugh. “You think I care? I can always get a new boyfriend. Keep your pictures, see if I care.”

She pushed her chair back, a smug look on her face. Janus had to work hard not to laugh. She was playing right into his hands.

“Oh, Katie,” Janus said sympathetically. “I didn’t want to have to do this. But you leave me no choice.”

Before Katie could stand, Janus slid over another envelope. 

Katie ripped it open, clearly frustrated. She scanned the contents quickly, before freezing. “How did you get this?”

“I have my ways.”

“How did you get this?” Katie repeated. “We– we deleted these texts! You shouldn’t have been able to find these!”

Janus tilted his head to the side. “Does it really matter where I got them?”

Katie scowled. “What do you want?”

Janus linked his hands together in front of him and leaned forward, looking Katie directly in the eye.

“Stay away from my soulmate,” he hissed. “And stay away from anyone else you’ve been picking on, too. If you can do that, then these texts can remain a secret. Understood?”

Katie gulped loudly, her eyes widening in fear. “I, uh– yeah. Yep. Got it.”

“Good,” Janus said, leaning back and smiling politely. “I’m so glad we could come to an agreement. You’ve been doing so well in class, I would just hate for that to be ruined by a few test answers between friends.”

Katie glanced around nervously. “Yeah, okay, I got it, just be quiet!”

“Of course,” Janus said placatingly. His eyes flicked over as the library door opened yet again, and Janus smiled. Perfect timing.

“Now, I think there’s someone here to see you,” he said, pointing. Katie turned around, and the shock in her voice was unmistakable.

“Shawn?”

“What are these?” Shawn asked shakily, some very familiar photos in his hands. “Please don’t tell me these are what I think they are, Katie.”

Katie whirled back around to face Janus. “You–”

“Be careful how you proceed, Katie,” Janus said coolly. “And don’t forget– I won’t hesitate.”

Janus picked up his things and left the library.

Behind him, he could hear the beginnings of a fight breaking out as Katie scrambled to explain. Perhaps she was a little more attached to Shawn than she had let on. Janus couldn’t care less.

For most of the students on his list, Janus had simply messaged them their respective blackmail– they were spineless cowards that didn’t deserve his attention. But he simply couldn’t help himself when it came to Katie. It was far more fun this way.

Truthfully, he deeply wanted to turn Katie in for cheating anyway, but then he would lose his leverage, and it was important to keep something in reserve, just in case. At least he was able to ruin her relationship. She deserved worse, in his opinion, but, well. He’d take what he could get.

And more importantly, Remus would be safe. Katie wouldn’t be hurting him, or anyone else, anymore.

Janus walked back into the cafeteria and headed directly toward Remus, a bright smile on his face.

Things were finally looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the angstiest so far which I'm super excited about bc angst is my JAM, guys.
> 
> Also I should probably say that Katie has her own soulmate out there but some people are cool with casual dating while they wait.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for this chapter: self hatred, panic attack, and like. When I put implied/referenced self harm in the tags, this was one of the chapters I had in mind. It's not any traditional form of self harm, but it's more like... self destructive tendencies? So yeah. Be aware of that.

Janus began to settle into a routine, and for the first time in years it was one that he was actually pleased with. Every day he’d eat lunch with Remus, join him after school for film club, and head over to his house after school to hang out. Every other weekend or so they’d find themselves a party where they could let off some steam. It was everything he could’ve asked for and more.

It was almost strange. Janus never thought he’d get used to being happy.

It was the last few days of school before the winter break. Janus and Remus were hanging out in the twins’ room, taking the chance to relax now that they were finished with all of their tests.

Sprawled out across the bed with his soulmate beside him, Janus couldn't have been happier. 

But… what was that sound?

Roman wandered into the room, singing something under his breath. Which was fine, except– didn’t Janus know that song?

“What are you singing?” Janus asked, sitting up quickly and staring at Roman with wide eyes. 

Roman paused in the middle of grabbing a folder off of his desk. “Huh? Oh. It's ‘Luck Be a Lady Tonight.’ It's from the musical _Guys and_ –”

“I know what it's from,” Janus interrupted. His throat felt too tight, but he forced out the words anyway. Even though Roman had stopped singing, Janus swore he could still hear that song, _that horrible song_ – but it didn’t sound like Roman’s voice anymore. It almost sounded like–

“Why are you– why are you singing that?” Janus asked flatly. 

Roman looked surprised, which was probably fair. “It's… it's for the school musical this year? Auditions are right after the break. I'm practicing for one of the lead roles, Sky–”

“I have to go,” Janus said abruptly. He couldn't believe it. How could they? Didn't they know–?

Oh wait. Of course they didn't. There was no way anyone could have known. 

It didn't matter. He had to get out. 

“Um, okay, I guess,” Remus said slowly. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Janus said quickly. Too quickly. “I just remembered that I–” He paused, looking for a good excuse. He couldn't find one. “I have to go.”

“Alright,” Remus said a little hesitantly. “Let me just grab the keys.”

“No. Don't– I can just walk.”

Remus stared at Janus incredulously. “No you can't. You live too far away and it's freezing outside.”

“Also raining,” Roman supplied. 

“I said I'm walking,” Janus snapped, already pushing past Roman and down the stairs. He couldn't breathe. He needed– he needed–

(He needed _him_. But _he_ was gone, so it didn't really matter what he needed, did it?)

He needed some fresh air. 

Janus pushed open the front door of the house, heedless of the other occupants of the house. He ignored Remus's calls from behind him and stepped out into the frigid air. It wasn't just raining, it was pouring, and he was instantly soaked. 

“Janus, wait! Just let me drive you home!”

But Janus kept going. He refused to let Remus see him like this. Whatever “this” even was. 

“We don't have to talk or anything if you don't want to, but you can't walk home in this! Do you even know how to get to your house from here?”

Janus paused for a second. He really did. But the music was still ringing in his head, louder than Remus's words, louder than anything, and it was all too much. 

He broke into a run.

Janus ran and ran, not paying attention to where he was going. The rain pounded against the ground, almost loud enough to drown out that song, that song Janus hated more than anything. 

But not quite. 

It was almost funny. It was a relatively cheerful song, so it didn’t really make sense for Janus to be reacting this way. He was fully aware of that.

And yet, as the song seemed to swell louder with each slam of his foot against the ground, Janus knew that there was no stopping this. The pressure was building up, and he had no idea what it was building up to.

It was deafening. Janus felt like he was drowning, and it had nothing to do with the rain. He just wanted it to stop, needed it to stop, but it would never stop, never, because there was no fixing this, nothing that could make things okay again. 

(Was this how _he_ had felt?)

Janus skidded to an abrupt stop, his heart pounding in his ears, loud, so loud, but _still not loud enough–_

He fell to his knees, gasping for breath. He found himself on the ground, and he curled up on his side, grabbing at his head with his hands. He felt like screaming. Maybe he already was. 

How could he possibly know? He couldn’t hear anything at all over the notes roaring in his ears.

He could almost pretend that he wasn't crying, except that the tears pouring down his face were hot against his skin, and the rain was so, so cold. 

Slowly, Janus's sobs petered out. The song didn't, but it was muted, more background noise than anything else. 

That didn’t stop the chill it sent down his spine, though.

Janus slowly uncurled himself and reached up an arm to wipe at his face with his sweater, only to find that it was soaked. Oh right. All of him was soaked. 

And that's when he started to shiver. 

He slowly pulled himself off the ground. He approached the nearest street sign. Bentley Street? Where the hell was that?

Janus pulled out his phone, hunching over to protect it from the rain. Five missed calls from Remus, and nine texts. None from his parents. Yet. 

As he looked at the screen, another text popped up. 

**Remus:** _At least let me know when you get home sa…_

Janus stared at the message until the notification disappeared. Then he turned off his phone and slipped it back into his pocket. 

The smart thing, he knew, would be to call someone to pick him up, or at least look up the directions back to his house. But the thought of facing anyone right now was too overwhelming, and he would do anything to avoid that horrible, silent house. 

So, ignoring the fact that he was freezing cold, soaked to the bone, and lost, Janus started walking. 

He wandered aimlessly, allowing the aftershocks of his emotional earthquake to run their course. He was absolutely miserable, but what was new?

(He wasn't miserable with Remus. With Remus, he was happy. But after what he'd done, after what he'd _failed_ to do, did he really deserve that?)

Janus wasn't sure how long he walked those bleak streets. The sky gradually faded from a dark and stormy gray to black as pitch, so it had to have been a while, but he couldn’t say anything for sure.

All he knew was that by the time he made it to a street he recognized, his feet ached and his hands were numb, and he wouldn’t have been surprised if his ears fell off.

Despite that, the curl of disgust in his chest when he saw his house was almost enough to make him turn around. 

Instead, he steeled himself and walked up to the door. 

He was going to grab the key and quietly let himself in, but before he could, the door swung open. 

“Janus?”

He found himself pulled into a tight hug before he could react. 

“Oh my goodness, where have you been? It's almost midnight, you weren't answering your phone, I was so worried! Are you okay?”

Janus blinked. His mom was hugging him, disregarding the fact that he was soaked, getting her wet in the process. Her hug was warm, and it was so much like _his_ that he swore that the song looping endlessly through his brain surged in volume. 

He shoved her away. 

“I'm fine,” he snapped. Hurt flashed across his mom's face, but he didn't care. He had stopped caring about that a long time ago. 

A hand landed heavily on his shoulder. 

“Now son, we're just worried–”

“Get off of me,” Janus said sharply, shrugging his dad's hand off. As if he had any right to worry about him, when this was the first time Janus had even seen him for days. Janus didn’t want anything from his dad, and least of all his worry.

He flinched when his mom grabbed his hands. “Janus, you're freezing. Did you get caught in the rain? Did something happen with your friend?”

Janus tore his hands away from her. “I said I'm fine!” he shouted. “Just leave me alone!”

He stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him and locking it. He’d seen the concern written across his parents' faces. He knew they cared. But if they’d known what he’d done… 

Maybe they'd hate him half as much as he hated himself. 

Janus took a minute to check his phone. An additional eight calls from Remus, plus fifteen more texts. Eleven calls from his mom, six from his dad. He remembered Remus's request to let him know when he got home safe. 

He turned off his phone. 

He peeled off his sopping wet clothes and turned on the shower. Standing there waiting for the water to warm up, Janus realized just how cold he was. His body was shaking with chills, and his fingers and toes were completely numb. 

Ah, well. Who cared? He deserved it. 

Janus stepped into the shower, flinching as the hot water hit him, contrasting with the cold that had settled deep in his bones. An unidentified emotion bubbled up inside of him, and with a slight growl he turned up the heat even higher, hissing softly as the burning water scalded his body. 

And there, with the hot water pouring down his face, it was a little easier to pretend he wasn't crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are appreciated :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for reading!

Janus was late to school the next day, but Remus was waiting for him anyway.

Janus had shut his mom’s offer for a ride down with a harsh glare, cutting her off before she could get a word out. Instead, he had walked to school. By the time he got there, it was well into second period, but he couldn’t care less.

Unfortunately for him, though, Remus obviously didn’t care either. He was sprawled out on the ground right where Janus’s mom dropped him off every morning, his limbs stretched out like a starfish and staring up at the sky blankly. 

Janus had really been hoping to avoid this conversation for a bit longer, but he had to walk past Remus to get into the building, so he steeled himself and kept walking.

He walked toward the front doors, ignoring Remus entirely. Remus pulled himself off the ground and caught up to him, settling into step with him easily. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Janus mumbled back. It wasn’t that he was mad at Remus, because of course he wasn’t. It was just… awkward. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened, but there was no way Remus _wouldn’t_ want to talk about what happened.

“You’re late.”

“I’m aware.”

“You’re never late.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything.”

“Was yesterday the first time you ran off into the freezing rain like a lunatic and then didn’t even let your soulmate know when you got home safe despite said soulmate specifically asking you to?”

Janus stiffened. “That would be a first, yes.”

Remus stopped, and Janus automatically stopped as well. He glanced at Remus, who was studying him worriedly. “Janus–”

“Look,” Janus interrupted quickly. “It’s not a big deal. I just overreacted. It doesn’t matter.”

Remus frowned. “Of course it matters! Janus, you could’ve frozen to death out there! Do you have any idea how worried I was?”

Janus looked away guiltily. Remus was right; he should’ve at least let him know. It was one thing to treat his parents like poorly, but Remus definitely didn’t deserve that. 

“And I still don’t even know what happened!” Remus continued. “You overreacted? Overreacted about _what_?”

“Nothing,” Janus said, still avoiding eye contact. “Nothing. It’s– it’s fine. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“We can’t just not talk about it, Jay. I need to know what I did to make you react like that!”

“You didn’t do anything, okay?” Janus snapped. “This isn’t about you!”

Remus’s face fell, and Janus immediately felt bad. “Oh. O-okay. Sorry for butting in, I guess,” Remus muttered. Janus knew something was off when Remus didn’t try to make a crude joke out of his choice of words.

“No, Remus wait, I didn’t mean–”

“You’d tell me if I did, though, right?” Remus asked, and his voice sounded far too small. He crossed one arm in front of himself and grabbed the other, hunching over slightly as he looked down at the ground. “You’d tell me if I did something wrong?”

Janus paused as Remus’s voice faltered. This… this was something more than what had happened the night before. It had to be. He reached out, looping his fingers through Remus’s. Remus looked up, surprise written across his face.

“Of course I would,” Janus said softly. “But you didn’t. You didn’t do anything at all, okay?”

Remus didn’t seem very reassured. “You’re sure?”

Janus couldn’t stand it anymore. He stepped forward, pulling Remus into a tight hug. “I’m positive,” he promised.

The concern in Janus’s chest only grew as he felt Remus shake against him. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

“Hey,” Janus murmured, running his fingers carefully through Remus’s hair. “What’s this about?”

Silence. Remus was _never_ silent.

“Roman doesn’t talk to me anymore,” came the eventual reply. 

Janus’s grip around Remus tightened. “What?” he hissed.

“I– I don’t know why,” Remus said haltingly. “He just stopped. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“Oh darling, you didn’t do anything–”

“I must’ve done something! There’s something– there’s something wrong with me, just like his friends always say–”

“No there isn’t,” Janus said firmly. “And all of Roman’s friends can f*ck off as far as I’m concerned.”

“But then why won’t he just talk to me?” Remus said pleadingly, pulling back slightly to stare at Janus with wide, hurt eyes.

“I– I don’t know,” Janus admitted. 

Remus sighed and pulled away fully, and Janus immediately bemoaned the lack of warmth. Remus forced a smile. “It’s fine. I mean, f*ck all of them, you know?” 

Remus had expressed a similar sentiment many times before. But for the first time, Janus realized it might not be as genuine as he’d like to believe.

Janus sat down on the steps in front of the school and patted the spot next to him. Remus hesitated for a second before sitting down. He leaned his head against Janus’s shoulder, having to bend over at a somewhat awkward angle to manage it. Janus grabbed his hand, rubbing circles across the back of Remus’s hand with his thumb.

After a few long moments, Remus broke the silence.

“When we were nine Roman didn’t talk to me for over six months,” he mumbled.

The words were soft and almost indecipherable, but as soon as Janus understood he stiffened, his grip on Remus’s hand edging on painful. “Six months?” he repeated furiously. “Why?”

“I don’t know,” Remus said with a halfhearted shrug. “Probably something to do with soulmate stuff.”

Janus froze. “What do you mean?”

“We were both so excited,” Remus said tiredly, the words falling listlessly from his mouth. He stared distantly at the cold, hard cement in front of them. “You never know when it’s going to start, you know? We wrote on our arms every day, waiting for someone to write back. And one day… you did.”

Remus fell into an abrupt silence. Janus glanced at him nervously. He was unnaturally still.

“The next time Roman spoke to me, he had the words of two soulmates all over his arms.” 

Remus chuckled weakly. “He was so happy. He told me all about them, and it was like nothing had ever happened. We’ve been okay ever since. Until… until now.”

“It’s my fault,” Janus realized. “It’s– god, Remus, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Remus said quickly. “I wouldn’t give you up for anything. Roman– Roman’s just being an *ss. He’ll come around eventually.”

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No! No, don’t do that. We’ll be fine,” Remus said, carefully avoiding Janus’s eyes. “We will be. You don’t have to worry about it.”

Janus stared hard at his soulmate, but slowly nodded. “If that’s what you want.” He would trust Remus on this. He didn’t know Roman that well, anyway.

“It is,” Remus confirmed. “I’ll figure things out with Roman. All I want from you is– well, is for you to talk to me. You can do that, right?”

Remus turned to face him then, and Janus gulped. 

“O-of course,” he managed, looking down, looking away from those pleading eyes. Remus deserved to know. Janus knew he did. But he just couldn’t do it. Not now. Not yet.

“Thank you,” Remus said, breathing a sigh of relief. He relaxed, leaning into Janus a little more, and Janus felt a million times worse.

Remus had believed him.

Janus closed his eyes, letting the press of Remus’s body warm him in the frigid air. He snaked his arms around Remus in an awkward side hug and held on tight.

Janus didn’t deserve Remus. He knew that better than anyone.

But he’d be damned if he let him go.

* * *

The first thing Janus saw when he walked into Ms. Davis’s room was a container of cupcakes.

He frowned, looking at them in confusion. Who would’ve brought cupcakes? Were they for the club? They probably shouldn’t touch them until they knew for sure, right? 

Remus had no such qualms. He immediately grabbed one, his face lighting up with excitement. “Look! These are so cute!”

Upon closer inspection, Janus saw that the cupcakes were indeed decorated. Some had swirled red and white frosting, others had green frosting with sprinkles reminiscent of ornaments. These were holiday-themed cupcakes.

Which was great and all, but that still didn’t answer the question of where they had come from.

“Aw, shoot, were we supposed to bring something?” Kai asked as he walked in with Elliot. “No one told me.”

“I have no idea where these came from,” Janus answered honestly.

“Oh, sorry, I brought them,” a small voice spoke up. Janus turned to see Annie, holding up a tentative hand. “Sorry, I should’ve asked first, but I just thought–” she broke off, shrugging awkwardly.

“Annie, don’t apologize,” Remus laughed. “These are delicious!” Janus rolled his eyes; of course he had already eaten one without even asking. And he had managed to get green frosting all over his face while he was at it.

“Oh, yeah?” Annie asked hopefully.

“Definitely,” Remus assured her.

“Oh, I’ve got to get me one of those,” Kai said. “Come on, El.”

Kai marched over to the cupcakes, Elliot trailing after him dutifully, as usual.

“I didn’t actually make them,” Annie confided to Remus, sending Janus a fleeting glance. “I tried, but I, uh… I burned them. So my dad made a new batch. I helped decorate them, though.”

“They’re perfect!” Remus declared. “Can I have another?”

Annie smiled. “Yeah, there should be enough for everyone to get two.”

Remus cheered and went to grab a second cupcake.

Janus watched him, trying desperately to shove down any leftover guilt from that morning, so he didn’t notice when Annie approached him nervously.

“Hey, uh, Janus?”

“Hmm?” he hummed in response. “Yes Annie, what is it?”

“Ah, I just… Is this okay? Like it’s not against the rules or anything, is it? I just figured, since it’s the last day before the break, I mean–”

“Oh, you’re fine,” Janus said, readily dismissing her concerns. “It was really nice of you, actually. I wish I’d have thought of it.”

Janus frowned, briefly thinking of plates full of decorated cookies. His mom would’ve loved this.

He pushed the thought from his mind. His parents had lost the right to be involved in his life, especially this part, here where he felt safe. 

“Oh, good,” Annie said, relieved. “I just really wanted to do something for the club, you know? My dad, too, I think he’s just really happy that I found some–” Annie paused, considering. “–some people I can talk to,” she finished carefully.

She glanced over at Janus then, before her eyes widened in surprise. “Ah, never mind, just wanted to make sure it was allowed, thanks Janus, bye!”

Annie quickly scampered off, walking over and joining the conversation that Remus, Kai, and Elliot were having over by the cupcakes.

Well. That was odd.

Janus shrugged it off. He didn’t really talk to Annie. It would make sense that she would be a little nervous around him.

He didn’t really talk to anyone, if he was being honest. That wasn’t what he was here for. Still, he was glad to hear that the club members seemed to be enjoying themselves. 

Janus’s attention was caught by a bright laugh, and he looked over to see… Elliot?

Yes, it was true. Elliot was giggling uncontrollably at something Remus had said, the rest of the group quickly joining in. 

Huh. Janus hadn’t known they could be that cheerful.

It was nice, seeing them like that. Remus especially, but the others, too. A part of Janus wished he could join them, that he could slip into the group as if he belonged there.

But he didn’t, really. Not even in his own club.

Well, no use wasting time on wishes. It was definitely past time to get started, especially if they wanted to get through the whole movie today before the break started.

Janus walked up to the front of the room and cleared his throat. “Hey guys, we’re going to start up the movie. And in case you missed it, Annie brought cupcakes, so feel to grab one or two.”

Remus bounded up to the front of the room, helping Janus set up the movie. He had insisted on watching _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ on the last day, claiming some sort of kinship to the green creature. Janus certainly hadn’t denied the comparison.

As they settled in to watch the movie, Janus tentatively grabbed a cupcake. Annie had said there were enough for two per person, so it should be fine if he had one, right?

Janus stared at the cupcake, trying to convince himself he deserved it. It wasn’t like some huge reward or anything, it shouldn’t matter if he ate it either way. It was _fine._

…It wasn’t fine. He couldn’t do it. He had screwed up the day before, running off and worrying Remus. And then he had lied to his face about it. 

And besides, that didn’t even take into account what he had done all those years ago. His one mistake that had ruined everything, the one thing he couldn’t take back no matter how desperately he wanted to.

He just felt all kinds of bad.

Janus huffed in frustration. It was just a dumb cupcake, who even cared?

Remus elbowed him, an obvious question in his eyes.

Janus sighed, offering Remus the cupcake. _Do you want it?_ he mouthed.

Remus lit up, and he grabbed the cupcake eagerly.

It was better this way. Remus deserved it far more than he did, anyway.

Later, Janus would realize that giving Remus extra sugar had been a mistake, but well. Live and learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus is like a puppy and I legit don't understand how this happened
> 
> Alright, in case you missed the implications in this chapter:
> 
> Soulmate writing starts when the average age is ten, right? Well, Janus is about 6 months older than the twins, so Janus and Remus were able to write to each other three months after Janus's 10th birthday and three months before Remus's 10th birthday (using the sides' canonical bdays and just estimating the twins as somewhere in June). Our other three kiddos (Patton, Logan, and Virgil), are, on average, about six months younger than the twins, so Roman's writing didn't start transmitting until about three months after his 10th birthday, adding up to six months total between the times the twins could write their soulmates. I really wish the math had been nicer to the twins, but it was not, unfortunately.
> 
> So yeah, Janus is nearly a year older than the others! Janus and the twins are actually a grade above the other three. Roman and Remus are some of the youngest kids in their grade.
> 
> Please appreciate me, I did math for this XD


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm assuming you don't know Janus's birthday off the top of your head, so just so you know it's February 3rd. So we've jumped forward to that point in time.
> 
> Warnings for this chapter again include some... unconventional form of self harm? And also like one really vague, not serious suicidal thought? So basically, angst.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

“Happy birthday, Janus!”

Janus eyed his mom suspiciously. She was trying hard to act cheerful, but she was nervous. That meant there was some sort of surprise for him, and that he probably wouldn’t like it.

“What is it?” he asked flatly.

His mom jumped– a deer caught in the headlights. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, honey,” she said unconvincingly. “Why don’t you have some breakfast? I made your favorite.”

Janus glanced at the breakfast table. Cinnamon rolls. He didn’t like cinnamon rolls. He had only pretended to as a child because a certain role model of his had loved them.

Not that his mom could have any way of knowing that.

He was still mad about it, though.

“I’m not hungry,” he said coldly, which was a lie. But he didn’t want to reward her for her failings. “Now what is it?”

His mom’s face fell. “Well, if you’re sure…” she said quietly. “Why don’t we head to school?”

Janus threw up his hands in exasperation. “Fine, then. Don’t tell me. Give me a minute, I have to grab my stuff.”

His mom waited quietly as he gathered his things for school, staring at the rapidly cooling cinnamon rolls on the table. It was almost enough to make Janus feel bad. 

But not quite.

Finally, he was ready, and he pushed past his mom to open the door.

And froze.

Standing in the driveway, a forced smile on his face, was his dad. 

And next to him was a car Janus had never seen in his life.

Anger coursed through him, and stalked forward until he was face to face with his dad. “What is this?” he growled.

“Happy seventeenth birthday, son,” his dad said, his smile already dropping. “We thought it’s time you got a car of your own. Aren’t you tired of being driven everywhere?”

Janus _was_ tired of that, but that didn’t mean that he liked it. He didn’t really have an excuse to be mad at them, not this time, but the entire situation was so similar to last year that he couldn’t help it. He was furious.

He didn’t want to think back on the disastrous events of his sixteenth birthday, but he couldn’t help himself.

* * *

_Janus huffed in annoyance. He didn’t like being led around blindly, even on his birthday. At least his mom hadn’t insisted he wear the blindfold she had wanted to put on him._

_“Alright, you can open your eyes.”_

_Janus cracked his eyes open, and immediately froze._

_There was his dad, next to a bright red car._

_No._

_He knew that car. He had helped fix that car._

No.

_His dad was smiling. As if this wasn’t the first time Janus had seen him in days. As if everything was fine, as if they were a normal, happy family again._

No!

_As if Janus deserved to have his dead brother’s car._

_“What is this?” he asked, the words coming out forced._

_His dad’s smile faltered. “You always said you wanted a car just like this one,” he said softly._

_“Not like this!” Janus shouted, nearly blinded by rage. “Not like this, are you insane?”_

_He’d known they still had the car. Of course he knew that. They’d brought it with them with each move, but other than that it had just been sitting in whatever garage or driveway they had, unused. He never thought this was what they were saving it for._

_He felt a hand on his shoulder._

_“He would’ve wanted you to have it,” his mom said quietly._

_Janus jerked away from her. “You don’t know that,” he hissed. He was overcome by the irrational urge to get in the car after all. Take it and drive it off a cliff, or straight into a tree. He’d rather destroy it than take what should’ve been his brother’s for himself._

_His brother had never gotten to drive it. Why should he?_

_And if he got caught up in the accident? Who the f*ck cared?_

_“I’m out of here,” he spat, pushing past his dad and out onto the street._

_“What about school?” his mom called after him, her voice fragile with worry._

_“F*ck school!” Janus shouted back. He wouldn’t be going today._

_“Janus, wait!” he heard his dad yell. He kept walking, holding up his middle finger above his head for his dad to see. They’d leave him alone if they had any sense._

_Although, reviewing the last few minutes, maybe they didn’t._

_Janus kept walking, and he was mildly relieved when he didn’t hear anyone following him. His appreciation for his privacy, however, was drowned out by his burning anger. He kicked angrily at small pebbles on the sidewalk as he walked, trying to clear his head._

_He wandered his way to a park, finding a bench to sit on. It was early enough that the place was mostly empty, the quiet broken only by the occasional jogger passing through._

_Janus sat on the bench in an empty park early that morning and cried._

_Sixteen. He was sixteen. He was now officially older than his brother had ever gotten to be._

_Technically he had hit that mark over a week ago, but still. Putting a number to it made it that much worse._

_In the back of his mind Janus knew that his parents hadn’t meant for this to happen. They had probably genuinely thought that he would be touched by the gift and appreciate it deeply._

_It only went to show just how little they knew about him._

_Janus jumped to his feet, ran to the nearest tree, and punched it as hard as he could._

_He hissed, cradling his hand. He examined his knuckles. They were just barely scraped, not enough to bleed._

_He let out a frustrated shout and punched the tree again._

_Janus punched the tree again and again, ignoring the pain in his hand with each hit. He eventually ran out of steam, and he sank to the ground, shaking out his injured hand, which was now speckled with spots of blood. He focused on the way his hand throbbed, hoping it would block out everything else._

_It didn’t really work, but it didn’t hurt to try._

_Janus didn’t know how long he sat on the cold, hard ground. He didn’t know what time it was when he finally pulled himself to his feet, his body stiff and aching. He didn’t know why he even bothered to go back home._

_All he knew was that by the time he got there, the car was gone._

_He never saw it again._

* * *

Janus blinked back into the present, where his dad was staring at him, unhidden worry on his face. Janus’s first instinct was to spit in his face. That, or punch him. He couldn’t decide.

Instead, he snatched the car keys out of his dad’s hand.

“I’m going to school,” he muttered. 

He got into the car, slamming the door shut. He pointedly ignored looking at his parents as he backed out of the driveway. 

Janus knew it wasn’t fair to be angry at them. They had listened to him; they hadn’t repeated their mistake. They were trying, he knew they were. 

But he no longer knew how to be anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated! It's literally the only way I have of knowing if y'all are still reading, so any comment is welcome :D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter length consistency? Who's she? Never heard of her.
> 
> Look, I'm pretty sure I'm better at writing angst and hurt/comfort than I am at this fluffy nonsense, but Janus deserves to have a good day and gosh darn it he is going to get one.

Remus was waiting for him when Janus got to school, as usual. But having parked his own car instead of being dropped off by his mom, Janus was approaching their meet up spot from the opposite direction as normal.

Which meant this was the perfect opportunity to sneak up on Remus.

Janus crept forward silently, going unnoticed by Remus, who was messing around on his phone. In one quick movement, Janus slung his arms around Remus from behind, squeezing him in a tight hug.

“Hello, darling,” he purred into Remus’s ear.

Remus instinctively jolted in Janus’s arms, but relaxed when he recognized the voice as Janus’s. “Hey, what gives?” he complained jokingly, wriggling fruitlessly against Janus’s hold.

“What do you mean?” Janus asked, nuzzling his face into the crook of Remus’s neck.

“You’re not usually so cuddly,” Remus pointed out. He didn’t really seem to mind, though, having completely given up any efforts to escape.

Janus relinquished his hold on Remus anyway, pulling away and crossing his arms in front of him. “Am I not allowed to want cuddles on my birthday?” he asked, maybe a little petulantly.

It was true that Janus wasn’t usually so clingy, but he still felt a little angry at his parents and Remus was pretty much guaranteed to help him feel better, so you couldn’t really blame him. Plus, it was his birthday, so Remus legally wasn’t allowed to make fun of him for being extra cuddly today.

Remus giggled at Janus’s pout. “Aw, someone’s grumpy,” he cooed. “Of course you can have cuddles on your birthday!”

He immediately went in for a hug, which Janus accepted gratefully. He buried his face into Remus’s chest, breathing in that unidentifiable smell that was so distinctly _Remus_.

Oh dear, was he getting soft? Was this what softness was? How disgusting.

“Why’d you come from over there, anyway?” Remus hummed.

Oh, right. Janus grinned, pulling away from Remus and grabbing his car keys out of his pocket. He held them up, jingling them in front of Remus’s face. “Happy birthday to me.”

Remus’s eyes lit up with excitement. “What? No way!”

Janus nodded smugly. 

“Oh man, I’ve got to see it,” Remus said with a brilliant grin. “Show me!” he demanded, already starting to walk toward the parking lot.

Janus quickly caught up to him. “We only have a few minutes before class,” he pointed out. “We don’t have time.”

“Forget about class!” Remus declared. “It’s your birthday and you just got a car!”

“What if you get in trouble, though?”

“Who cares?” Remus asked, shrugging off Janus’s concern. “Come on, it’ll be fun!”

They made it to the parking lot, and Remus scanned the cars eagerly, trying to figure out which one was Janus’s. Janus rolled his eyes, leading him out farther. Since he got a car so late in the school year, all the good spots were taken, so it was quite the hike.

“There it is,” Janus said, pointing ahead. “The blue one.”

Remus immediately broke into a sprint, beating Janus to the car by a mile. “Wow, this is nice!” he said appreciatively, checking himself out in the rearview mirror.

“As long as it can drive, it’s good enough for me,” Janus drawled. In the distance, he heard the first bell ring. “Oh sh*t, we’re going to be late to class.”

“And I told you to forget about class,” Remus insisted, his hands on his hips. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Janus hesitated for maybe two seconds before giving in. They were already late, might as well throw the whole day out. And besides, what were his parents going to do when they found out? Ground him? The idea was laughable.

He gave Remus a smile, spinning his keys around on his finger. “Where to?”

Remus lit up, cheering as Janus unlocked the car and clambering in eagerly. Janus walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat. “Seriously, though, what are we doing?”

Remus hummed in thought for a moment. “Oh, I have an idea! Pull left out of the parking lot, and I’ll give you instructions from there.”

Janus raised his eyebrows curiously, but followed Remus’s direction. “Where are we headed?”

“You’ll see,” Remus said mysteriously.

“Oh, a surprise then?” Janus surmised. “How exciting.”

Remus didn’t bother answering, and instead started messing with the buttons in the car. He accidentally turned on the air conditioning full blast, and it took him several minutes for him to figure out how to get it off again. It was rather unfortunate, considering the still-chilly weather, and Janus appreciated his sweater in that moment. Remus also turned on the radio, flipping to some trashy pop station that was guaranteed to get on Janus’s nerves almost immediately. That done, he figured out how to lay his seat down and did so, before putting his feet up on the dashboard.

“You’re going to regret that if we get into a crash,” Janus commented lightly.

“We won’t,” Remus said dismissively. “You’re a good driver.”

“How would you know?” Janus laughed. “The only times I’ve ever driven you anywhere you were drunk as f*ck.”

Remus just shrugged. “I trust you.”

And really, that was not fair. Remus should not be able to fluster Janus that easily. 

“By the way, if you see Center Street coming up, you’ll need to turn right,” Remus continued, as if he hadn’t just said the most stupidly smooth thing ever.

Janus swallowed down the gay as best he could and turned right.

“So, Jay, how’s it feel to be seventeen?”

Janus shrugged lightly. “Fine, I suppose. There’s not any exciting new privileges that come with it or anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you know, when you’re sixteen you can get your license,” Janus listed as an example. “And when you’re eighteen, you can be tried as an adult if you commit a crime. Fun stuff like that.”

Remus thought about that for a moment. “You forgot one for seventeen!”

“Oh yeah?” Janus asked, amused. “What’d I forget?”

“You get to be the dancing queen!”

Janus burst into laughter. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Oh, you know,” Remus said, sitting up and turning the radio off. He pulled out his phone, his fingers tapping at the screen. Within a minute or two, a song started playing. Remus immediately started singing along, making his voice pointedly loud when the part he’d been referring to came up.

_You are the dancing queen_

_Young and sweet_

_Only seventeen_

At this point, Janus could barely contain his laughter. “You absolute dork,” he gasped.

“Why are you booing me? I’m right!” Remus said, pouting and crossing his arms in front of him petulantly.

“Oh my dear, you absolutely are,” Janus said, still laughing. “I was a fool, but you have corrected my path with your immeasurable wisdom.”

“Oh shut up,” Remus whined. “Wait, where are we?” he suddenly asked, actually paying attention for the first time in several minutes. “Oh, we missed our turn. You need to turn around.”

“Remus!” Janus scolded, though he wasn’t really that upset. “You were supposed to be directing me!”

“Okay, okay,” Remus surrendered. “I’m paying attention!” He leaned forward against the dashboard as Janus found a place to turn around. He stared at the road with laser-like focus, not even blinking as Janus started driving back the way they had come.

Janus was starting to get unnerved by the silence when Remus suddenly burst to life. “Here! Turn left here!” he shouted.

Janus jerked the wheel, swearing as he just barely made the turn. “Remus, you nearly gave me a heart attack!” he snapped.

“Sorry,” Remus said sheepishly. “That was… dumb. My bad.”

“It’s fine,” Janus said with a sigh. “Just be more careful, please. Where are we, anyway?” he asked, noticing that they had turned into a parking lot. He parked the car before glancing at the building. “A grocery store?”

He turned to Remus, one eyebrow raised. “You really know how to show a guy a good time, huh?”

Remus flushed. “It’ll be fun, I promise!”

“Alright, alright,” Janus surrendered. “Show me what you’ve got.”

Remus smiled, taking Janus by the hand once they got out of the car and leading him toward the doors. “Okay,” he began animatedly as he swung their hands between them. “Me and Roman used to play this game all the time. We call it _Eat Sh*t_.”

Janus snorted. “How quaint.”

“You know me,” Remus said with a winning smile. “But anyway, the rules are pretty simple. We get fifteen minutes to explore the store and find the weirdest food we can. Then we’ll taste them afterward and decide who picked the weirdest thing.”

“Wait, do you win if yours tastes better or worse?”

Remus sent Janus a wild grin that bordered on feral, and Janus swore he felt a shiver down his spine. 

“Worse.” 

They reached the front of the building, and the automatic doors slid open. “You’ve got fifteen minutes, go!” 

And with that, Remus sprinted off down the candy aisle.

Janus stood there for a second, watching him go. Remus careened around an older woman pushing a cart before he disappeared. Janus rolled his eyes, then set off at a much more leisurely pace down a different aisle.

He wandered aimlessly for a while, scanning the shelves for anything even remotely interesting. It wasn’t a huge grocery store, though, and there wasn’t much to see.

At one point, Remus burst into the aisle Janus was in and skidded to a stop in front of him, giving him a quick kiss before taking off again. Janus had to stop and hide his face in his hands for a few moments after that.

Finally, it was time to head back. Janus deliberated for a few seconds between a container of spam and a bag of eggplant-based chips, before sticking the spam back on a random shelf. That would be more of a mess to eat, probably. Not worth it.

He headed back to the front of the store, wondering what Remus had picked out. He caught sight of Remus already waiting in a line, and he walked over to meet him only to find–

“Is that a f*cking gourd?” he asked disbelievingly.

Remus turned to him, his eyes shining bright with mischief. “Maybe.”

Janus didn’t get a chance to comment further though because it was their turn to check out. Remus paid for the items, with whose money Janus couldn’t guess, and they made their way out of the store.

“Are you serious?” Janus asked as they walked to the car. “Can you even eat those things raw?”

“Guess we’ll find out,” Remus chirped cheerfully. “Come on, let’s head to a park or something. It’ll be like a last minute picnic!”

Janus couldn’t help a small chuckle. Remus really was something else, wasn’t he?

It didn’t take long to find a park nearby, and Remus sprawled out happily on the grass. Janus’s mouth quirked to side in a small smile, and he carefully sat himself down next to Remus. The park was mostly empty, though there was a young mother carefully watching two children messing around on the playground. As long as she didn’t bother them, Janus was fine with that.

“So how does this work, anyway?”

Remus stopped his squirming in the grass and sat up with a bright smile. “We just try them! Easy-peasy!”

“And how the hell are we supposed to eat the monstrosity you picked out?”

Remus frowned, considering. Janus rolled his eyes, popping open the bag of chips he had picked and sticking one in his mouth. He chewed for a second before swallowing. Hm. They were actually halfway decent.

Remus looked at him eagerly. “Well?”

Janus pursed his lips for a moment. They honestly weren’t bad, but Janus didn’t dare admit that if he actually wanted to win.

And oh, did he want to win.

He looked Remus directly in the eye. “Absolutely disgusting,” he drawled.

Remus scowled, snatching the bag from Janus’s hands. “What? No way, give me those!”

He grabbed a handful and stuffed them into his mouth, chewing furiously. After a moment, he swallowed hard and sent Janus an affronted look. “These aren’t bad at all!”

“You’re just saying that because you want to win,” Janus accused playfully as he pulled out the rest of his lunch.

“What? No I’m not!” Remus protested. “Whatever, there’s no way that these taste worse than this bad boy,” he said, setting the chips aside and stroking his gourd fondly. 

Janus wrinkled his nose up in disgust. “I need you to stop doing whatever that is immediately.”

Remus snickered. “Alright, but only because I need to figure out how to get this thing open.”

Remus picked up the gourd, weighing it in his hands for a few seconds. He experimentally lifted it above his head for a moment before setting it back down with a frown.

“Does this mean I win by default?” Janus asked, sneaking another couple of chips while Remus wasn’t looking.

“You f*cking wish,” Remus snarked, before sinking his teeth directly into the side of the vegetable.

“Remus!” 

Remus looked up for a second. “What?” he asked, before going back to gnawing at the gourd. It took a few tries, but he managed to work open a hole in the thing, and with a triumphant shout he pried it in two.

He calmly held out a piece to Janus. “For you, my love.”

Janus stared at the offering, more than a little disturbed. He could still see the spit on the side where Remus had been chewing at it. “Remus, that is disgusting.”

Remus scoffed. “Please, as if we’ve never exchanged spit before.” 

Janus cleared his throat loudly, and Remus snickered at his obvious embarrassment.

“But I mean, if you’re admitting that it’s disgusting, I suppose I can accept the win…” Remus said with an innocent shrug.

Janus quickly peeled off his gloves before snatching the piece from Remus’s hand. “You f*cking wish,” he said, before taking a big bite of the inner part of the gourd.

It was… truly disgusting. Even if these things _could_ be eaten raw, Janus highly doubted they were supposed to be. It was extremely obvious who had won this round of the game.

But Janus would die before giving Remus the satisfaction.

He grimaced around the bite as he swallowed, but carefully retained a neutral face. He hummed in thought for a moment. “Not bad,” he said finally.

Remus’s face twisted up as he swallowed his own bite. “Not bad? Are you kidding me? This is worse than deodorant, and I would know!”

Oh right, that. Janus never had gotten around to interrogating Remus about that particular statement. For now, though, he’d table that for another time.

“Different strokes, Remus,” Janus said with a shrug. “I’d say the win is easily mine.”

Remus sulked for a second, clearly angry about the situation. It was obvious he was being played, but there was only so much he could do without calling Janus out for the lie.

Suddenly, though, his face shifted. Janus was immediately on his guard, eying Remus warily. 

“So, you really don’t mind it, then?” Remus asked neutrally, gesturing to the gourd still resting in Janus’s hand.

“Not at all,” Janus lied smoothly.

“Then surely you wouldn’t mind eating the rest of it, right?”

Oh, very clever. But Janus wasn’t planning on backing out now.

Staring Remus directly in the eye, Janus took another bite.

Janus ate up the rest of his piece quickly, forcing himself not to gag on the taste. Remus was sure to call him out if he showed even a moment of weakness. Once finished with his half, he held out an insistent hand, demanding the rest of Remus’s, too. Remus quirked an amused eyebrow, but handed it over.

Within two minutes, the gourd was gone.

Remus let out a low whistle. “I’m impressed,” he said, almost appreciatively. “I didn’t think you’d actually do it.”

“Well, why wouldn’t I?” Janus asked with a smug smile. “I told you it wasn’t that bad. And certainly better than those horrid chips.”

Remus groaned loudly. “You are the absolute worst,” he grumbled.

“And…?” Janus prompted.

“And I suppose…” Remus said with obvious reluctance, “I will have to admit defeat,” he finished under his breath.

Janus grinned. “Thank you very much.”

Totally worth it.

He turned back to the rest of his lunch as Remus moped, looking for something to get the taste out of his mouth. He pulled out his sandwich and bit into it eagerly. While rifling through his lunchbox, however, he caught eye of something else, and he pulled it out with a scowl.

“What’s that?” Remus asked curiously.

Janus passed the cookie to Remus. It was shaped like a snake and decorated meticulously with yellow frosting. Happy birthday indeed.

“Just a cookie,” Janus said dismissively. “My mom made it. You can have it if you want, I won’t eat it.”

“Your mom?” Remus asked lightly as he examined the cookie.

Janus froze. He had never actually introduced Remus to his parents, didn’t even talk about them to his soulmate. Remus had never mentioned this rather obvious oversight, had never asked about it, had never pushed.

But it was only a matter of time until he did.

“Yes,” Janus answered carefully. “My mom… enjoys baking.”

“Is she like, bad at it or something?”

“What?” Janus asked, taken off guard. “No. Why would you ask that?”

Remus shrugged, sending Janus a crooked smile. “You just gave away a homemade cookie. I can only assume you don’t want it because it’s bad.”

“Oh,” Janus said. “That’s… that’s not why I don’t want it.”

Remus hummed softly at that, and Janus braced himself for the inevitable interrogation.

“So you like snakes, right?”

Janus blinked. “What?”

Remus held up the cookie so that Janus could see it. “Snakes, am I right?”

“Oh,” Janus said, now thoroughly confused. “I… yes. Snakes.”

Remus giggled at Janus’s lackluster response before savagely biting the head of the snake off. “You’re right, this is great!” he said cheerfully, speaking through a mouthful of cookie.

Janus was a little lost at this point. He had been so nervous, so strained when Remus had asked about his mom, but it was like Remus didn’t even care. But even if Remus didn’t feel the tension lingering in the air, Janus definitely could.

Janus stared down at his sandwich, lost in thought. He jumped when Remus placed a hand on his knee.

“Hey,” Remus said gently. “I got you something.” 

Janus met his eye, and realized that the tension wasn’t as one-sided as he had thought. Remus was smiling, but it was softer than usual, encouraging, almost. The message was clear.

Remus wouldn’t push. Not today.

Janus felt a rush of warmth in his chest, and he couldn’t have stopped himself from smiling back at Remus if he tried. 

Truly, what did he do to deserve such a wonderful soulmate?

Remus’s grin widened at Janus’s smile, and he reached into his backpack, pulling out a rectangular package wrapped up in paper decorated with yellow and green stripes.

Janus took the offered gift, pulling at the paper curiously. He tore strips of paper away, revealing a slightly battered copy of _The Myth of Sisyphus_.

“You don’t already have that one, do you?” Remus asked immediately, bouncing anxiously from where he sat. “You probably do. I can get you a different one, if you’d like. Ugh, I knew I should’ve just asked you first–”

“Remus,” Janus interrupted with a soft chuckle. “It’s perfect.”

Remus paused in his rambling, giving Janus a hopeful look. “Yeah?”

“Yes, you dork,” Janus said affectionately.

Remus’s resulting smile was almost blinding. “Oh good. I thought it looked cool. It’s about the guy who has to push up the rock for eternity or whatever, right? Like, can you even imagine? I feel like your arms would just like fall off eventually, don’t you think? If it was me I might just let the rock roll me over. I mean, I’d have to try it at least once. If I’m already dead, I might as well, right? It’s not like it’s going to kill me or anything–”

Remus cut himself off, grinning sheepishly. “Sorry. Got carried away.”

“You’re fine,” Janus assured him, giving him a fond eye roll.

“Oh! I got you something else, too!” Remus suddenly remembered, turning to dig around in his backpack yet again.

“You didn’t have to–” Janus began, but stopped abruptly when Remus proudly held out a little box. He raised a sly eyebrow. “Oh my, Remus, I’m not sure that I’m ready for this kind of commitment.”

Remus flushed a deep red. “It’s not that, you jerk!” he said, shoving the box into Janus’s hands. “Just open it!”

Janus snickered at Remus’s discomfort, but did so. His breath caught in his throat as the lid popped open. 

Nestled in the box was a necklace with a delicate chain, a golden snake charm resting in the center. Janus tilted the box slightly, and the charm glinted in the sunlight. It was beautiful.

Janus stared at it for a second, trying to push down the flush that was rising to his cheeks, to no avail. He couldn’t believe how thoughtful of a gift it was.

He looked up at Remus, who was watching him nervously. What an adorable idiot– as if Janus wasn’t going to absolutely love anything Remus got him.

“So, you like snakes, right?” Janus said, mocking Remus's earlier question. “You totally knew!”

Remus held up his hands defensively. “You told me you liked snakes when we were like eleven!” he said. “I just wanted to make sure!”

“And you remembered this whole time, you sap,” Janus teased, pulling at the packaging the necklace was stuck in. There was some weird twisty metal wire that was taped down on the back, and Janus picked at it, annoyed. It was like they didn’t want him to get it out.

“And what’s my favorite animal?”

“An octopus,” Janus answered automatically. He swore as the tape tore, and he started pulling at it from a different spot.

After a couple of seconds of silence, Janus looked up in confusion, only to see Remus staring at him with a stupid grin on his face. Janus belatedly realized his mistake, and he immediately scowled.

“Shut up,” he snapped irritably.

“I didn’t say anything,” Remus said, barely suppressed laughter obvious in his voice.

Janus continued to grumble as he worked on freeing the necklace from its confines, but got distracted once he finally got it out. He grinned victoriously.

He held up the necklace between them, soft rays of light falling on the dangling charm, causing it to gleam. “Think you can help me?”

Remus lit up excitedly, and he took the necklace from Janus before crawling over to kneel behind him. He looped his arms around Janus’s head in a pseudo-hug before carefully fastening the necklace at the back of his neck.

Janus took a moment to admire the way the charm rested against his collarbone. It really was the perfect gift.

He jolted as Remus grabbed him in an actual hug from behind. “You like it!”

“Of course I like it, moron,” Janus scoffed. “Now let go,” he added, squirming uselessly in Remus’s arms.

“Nope!” Remus refused cheerfully, resting his chin on top of Janus’s head. “I specifically remember someone requesting birthday cuddles.”

Janus opened his mouth to argue, but closed it again with a soft sigh. He had to admit, there was something particularly cozy about the way Remus’s arms fit around his stomach. At the risk of being teased, he allowed himself to relax, leaning back into Remus’s chest.

But Remus didn’t tease him at all. Instead he just adjusted himself a little to get more comfortable and pulled Janus even closer. 

“Happy birthday, Janus.”

* * *

“Do we really have to go back?” Janus asked, not sure whether to be annoyed or just amused. “It seems silly, is all.”

“Of course we do!” Remus insisted. “We’re the presidents of the club! We can’t both miss it!”

“I’m sure they could handle one day without us,” Janus grumbled halfheartedly.

“Absolutely not,” Remus said firmly. “We have to go.”

Janus rolled his eyes, but turned toward the school. Looks like he’d be going after all, in a sense.

The drive to the school was relatively quiet. Remus hummed softly while messing around on his phone.

It was odd, entering the building while other kids streamed out, but Janus was able to shove down the strangeness of skipping school pretty easily. Remus grabbed his hand and happily tugged him along to the club room.

Remus paused outside the door to Ms. Davis’s room, which was closed for some reason. He turned to Janus with a tiny grin. “Are you ready?”

“Ready for wh–”

Remus pushed the door open.

“SURPRISE!”

Janus froze, stunned. All of the regular students were there, half of whom Janus didn’t even know the names of. A few desks had been pushed together, and there was an assortment of treats on the makeshift table, including cupcakes, chips, and drinks. A couple of balloons had been blown up and were scattered haphazardly on the floor.

Janus turned to Remus, his eyes wide. “What is happening right now?” he whispered urgently.

“I got the club to throw you a party is what’s happening, silly,” Remus laughed. “I thought you’d be smart enough to pick up on that.”

Janus _had_ picked up on that, actually, but it didn’t make any sense. He furrowed his brows in confusion. “Yeah, I know, but like why?”

Remus frowned and opened his mouth to answer, but he got interrupted before he could get a word out.

“Hey, Janus, happy birthday or whatever,” Kai said, his mouth half full of cupcake. “And in case you were wondering, I did bring something this time, since I was actually given a heads up.”

“Thanks man,” Remus said, giving Kai a fist bump.

“No problem,” Kai replied. “It was a good idea. Especially since it got Annie to bring her cupcakes again.”

“Remus!” Annie jumped in excitedly, joining the circle that had started to grow around them. “I made them all by myself this time! I think they turned out really good!”

Remus let out a little whoop. “You go, girl!” he cheered, offering his hand for a high five, which Annie readily accepted.

Annie’s cheeks flushed a rosy pink at the praise, and she smiled. “Oh, and happy birthday, Janus,” she added, before launching into an animated conversation with Remus.

Janus marveled at the sight. For someone who had been eating lunch alone for years, Remus was excellent at making friends once given the chance. Janus didn’t get that, really. He could play people easily, make them believe anything, but genuinely being someone’s friend? It was a complete mystery to him.

Janus was broken by his thoughts by a slight nudge to his shoulder. “Hey. Happy birthday.”

Janus turned to see Elliot. “Oh. Thank you.”

“Sure,” Elliot said easily. It was a little weird. This was the first time Elliot had even spoken to Janus since the day they had met. Back then Elliot had been painfully shy, literally hiding behind Kai as they mumbled out their words.

But now? Elliot had never seemed more relaxed.

“I must admit, I wasn’t expecting anything like this,” Janus confessed. 

“It was Remus’s idea,” Elliot said with a shrug.

“Well, obviously, but that doesn’t mean all these people would go along with it,” Janus replied, glancing around the room. “I barely talk to anyone here.”

Elliot leveled him with a look, one that Janus couldn’t begin to decipher. “You don’t even know what you’ve done here, huh?” they asked, their voice taking on a curious lilt.

Janus recoiled slightly. What on earth was that supposed to mean?

Elliot must’ve seen something in his face, because they laughed just a little. “Well, if you’re really so confused, just imagine trying to say no to Remus once he gets excited about something. He’s ingratiated himself to everyone here, so we didn’t really have a choice.”

Ah. That actually did make a lot more sense.

“Well, thank you for indulging him,” Janus said with a wry smile. “I know I’m hardly your friend, but I’m glad he at least has made some good ones.”

Elliot tilted their head to the side, opening their mouth to speak, but their conversation came to an abrupt halt when Remus suddenly appeared by Janus’s side, looping an arm through his and all but dragging him away. “Come on!” he said excitedly. “I picked out this cool documentary about snakes that I think you’ll like!”

Janus blinked a few times, his brain still adjusting to the sudden change. Then he registered what Remus had said and couldn’t help a snort of laughter.

“You had a lot riding on the snake thing, didn’t you?”

Remus frowned, his lips curling into a childish pout. “I had other movie options, too…”

Janus laughed, pressing a quick kiss to the side of Remus’s head in appreciation. “It’s perfect. Thank you.” 

Remus quickly set up the film, and it wasn’t long before they were settled comfortably in a few desks near the back, a collection of snacks piled up in front of them.

Remus watched with great interest as a snake on the screen unhinged its jaw to swallow an egg whole, and he immediately tried to replicate the action by stuffing an entire cupcake into his mouth at once. 

Janus couldn’t help but laugh at his antics, and Remus gave his hand a soft squeeze from where he was holding it in his own. It was their only point of contact, but Janus could feel the warmth that sparked in his hand just from Remus’s touch.

This time, Janus didn’t hesitate before taking a bite of a treat. It was his birthday; he was going to eat a damn cupcake. It really was delicious– it was no wonder the others looked forward to Annie’s cupcakes so much.

And Janus was happy.

Of course, he should’ve known that it wouldn’t last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually like to tie up chapters nice and pretty, but I thought it might be fun to try this cliffhanger thing this time. :)
> 
> Sorry, this chapter really got away from me so it's like stupidly long but oh well amirite? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Also I totally had that Dancing Queen conversation with my friend when I turned 17 XD
> 
> Thanks for reading! :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tysm for your comments guys, it means a lot to me!!
> 
> Warnings for depression and something like a panic attack in this chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)

_Something was wrong with Thomas._

_Janus couldn’t pinpoint what exactly the problem was, but it was obvious that there was one. He was a lot more quiet than he used to be, and he always seemed tired. No, not tired– exhausted._

_Janus could’ve put that aside, though. He didn’t know a ton about high school, but he knew it was hard. In fact, when he asked his parents about Thomas’s behavior, they had laughed it off, blaming Thomas’s school schedule, as if that made it okay._

_But maybe that would’ve been it. Maybe Janus could’ve accepted that as the problem and forgotten about it, except for one thing._

_Thomas didn’t sing anymore._

_“Please, Thomas,” Janus pleaded, pulling out his biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes. “Please please please–”_

_“Sorry, bud,” Thomas interrupted, his eyes locked on his computer screen, his fingers tapping insistently at the keyboard. “I told you, not right now.”_

_Maybe Janus would’ve left it at that if Thomas sounded angry or annoyed, but he didn’t. His words were too slow, too tired, and honestly? He just seemed… sad._

_“But you never sing for me anymore!” Janus argued. “You need to practice for the play anyway, right?”_

_Janus didn’t miss when Thomas winced at the mention of the play. Thomas sighed heavily, his fingers momentarily stilling on the keyboard. “I don’t need to practice for the play anymore,” he muttered, and Janus frowned._

_“What are you talking about?” he demanded. “It’s in less than two weeks, of course you need to practice! Just take a break from whatever you’re working on and come sing for me! What are you working on, anyway?” he asked, peering over Thomas’s shoulder at his screen._

_Thomas reached over, flipping the laptop shut. “Nothing, it’s just boring school stuff,” he said, flashing Janus an easy smile. Janus didn’t like that smile. There was something wrong with it._

_There was something wrong with Thomas._

_“And I just meant that I’ve already got my parts down, you jerk,” Thomas said with a laugh. “Don’t you trust me?”_

_Janus’s answer came easily. “Of course,” he said. Because if there was one thing he knew, it was that he could trust Thomas._

_“Then trust that I don’t need anymore practice, alright? You’ll see at the play. I promise.”_

_Janus pursed his lips for a moment, but nodded. Thomas would never break a promise, of that he was sure._

_“Now, do you think you could leave my room, bud? I’m a little tired, I think I’m going to take a quick nap.”_

_Janus scowled, but conceded. “Fine,” he grumbled. “But you better sing for me again soon!”_

_“I will, I will!” Thomas laughed, standing up and following Janus to the door. “I promise.”_

_Janus latched onto the promise– he’d be holding Thomas to that, no doubt. Maybe things were okay after all; Thomas was acting almost like his old self again. His odd, unsettling smile had evened out into something a bit more genuine, and Janus was able to relax just slightly._

_But as soon as Janus stepped out into the hallway, Thomas closed the door behind him, and Janus heard a soft but distinct click._

_Janus gulped._

_He waited a few seconds, before very carefully trying to twist the door knob._

_Locked._

_It was an exceedingly simple lock, and Janus had long since learned how to work it open if he wanted to, a fact Thomas had bemoaned many times over the years. Janus could have the door in seconds if necessary, but that wasn’t the point._

_Thomas had locked him out anyway._

_Frowning, Janus pressed his ear to the door, listening for some sign of… anything, really. A sign that Thomas was okay, or even that he wasn’t. Just some indication that there was life behind that door._

_But he couldn’t hear a thing._

* * *

Janus quietly let himself into the house, hoping to avoid his mom if possible. If he was lucky, he’d be able to slip into his room unnoticed. He was having such a good day, he didn’t want it ruined now.

“Janus! Welcome home!”

Janus froze, before slowly turning to see his dad. He was standing in the doorway of the front room, leaning far too casually against the doorframe, a big smile on his face. “How’s it going?”

Janus bit back a scowl. His dad must’ve taken the whole day off. Which maybe should’ve been a good sign, a sign that he actually wanted to try to make this work for once, but Janus knew better.

He didn’t want to deal with his dad’s pretending today.

“Absolutely amazing,” he drawled sarcastically. “I’ll be in my room.”

He walked briskly past his dad, ignoring his objections. “Come on, Jay, it’s your birthday!” his dad protested. “Let’s have fun, we could play a game or something! Right, Liv?”

Janus paused, now noticing his mom sitting silently on the couch, staring blankly at the TV. He hadn’t even realized she was there. Just a ghost in an empty house. Her eyes flicked over at her name, and she managed a small shrug. 

“If Janus wants to,” she said, her words falling softly from her mouth, barely more than a whisper.

Janus rolled his eyes, and he went to his room without another word. 

He sat down on his bed, trying to push down the roiling anger he felt every time he had to interact with his parents. He wasn’t sure which was worse– his mom’s inability to pull herself out of her sadness, or his dad’s inability to acknowledge that it existed. 

The logical part of him knew that they were each just trying to deal with it in the best way they could. 

The angry part of him didn’t care.

He let out a deep sigh, falling heavily onto his pillow. He felt something press against the back of his neck, and he reached up to find the thin chain still fastened there.

Janus immediately grasped the snake charm, clenching his hand around it tightly. He let his eyes close, and he pictured Remus, with that stupid mustache and that stupid, _stupid_ smile– 

Janus felt his anger roll away, and he smiled.

He was okay. Today had been absolutely wonderful, and nothing his parents could do could take that away from him.

He pulled the book Remus had given him out of his backpack and turned to the first page. He was probably going to hate himself tomorrow for putting his homework off, especially after skipping the whole day, but well. That was future Janus’s problem.

He must’ve gotten lost in the book, because before he knew it, there was a knock at the door.

“Janus! Come for dinner!”

Janus’s lip curled in disgust. Ugh, he _really_ did not want to deal with his dad today.

“Coming!” he yelled back. He closed his book, setting it aside with a despondent sigh. He took a moment to carefully tuck his necklace underneath his shirt; he didn’t need his parents asking about it. After waiting another minute to make sure his dad wasn’t waiting for him by the door, he carefully emerged from his room.

He slunk into the dining room, noting his mom in her usual spot and his dad sitting (for once) at the other chair at the table.

“There he is!” his dad said, beaming. Janus idly wondered the last time they had all sat down for dinner together. Had it been three weeks? Four? 

“I made your favorite, Jay, so dig in!”

It was true. His dad only knew how to make one thing, but he made it well. It was tradition for him to make their birthday meals– a welcome break for their mom, who was almost always in charge of the cooking. It also meant that Janus’s dad was always home on his birthday. It used to be something that he looked forward to each year.

Now? He just found it annoying.

Janus sat down at the dinner table, serving himself a plate of his dad’s signature chicken alfredo noodles on the table. Maybe if he kept his head down his dad would get the message that he _did not want to talk to him._

“So Janus, how’s school going? Your mom told me you joined a club, right?” his dad asked cheerfully, taking a bite of his food.

Janus sighed heavily. So, they were really going to do this, huh? Pretending, always pretending, not addressing it. Well, two could play at that game.

“That’s right,” Janus said, sending his dad a polite smile. His dad watched him with intense interest, clearly happy to see Janus respond. “Film club, actually. Not theater, like you’d hoped, so sorry about that,” Janus continued apologetically. He watched closely as his dad paled, shooting his mom a confused look. Interesting.

“Oh, not your idea then? Just mom’s? Sorry, shouldn’t have brought it up,” he said with a slight shrug. He used his fork to push some noodles around his plate, not finding himself particularly hungry. “Oh, but speaking of theater, did I mention that the school’s doing _Guys and Dolls_ this year?”

His dad choked on his food, and began coughing loudly. Janus ignored him and kept talking, raising his voice to be heard over the noise.

“I know one of the leads, I thought it could be fun to go, you know?” he continued easily. “Especially since we didn’t end up getting to see it last time–”

His mom suddenly yelped as her glass tipped over, spilling water all over the table.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she apologized, her words coming out in a rush. “Let me get that, I’ll be right back.” And with that, she fled the room.

The room fell into silence as Janus and his dad waited for her to get back. Janus wasn’t even pretending to eat anymore, and instead just stared at his dad defiantly, daring him to say something, do anything.

His dad wouldn’t meet his eye.

His mom hurried back into the room with a small towel and wiped up the water with shaking hands. After clearing up most of the puddle, she sat down again, keeping her hands clasped tightly together in her lap. Looks like Janus wasn’t the only one who wasn’t hungry.

After a few awkward moments, Janus’s dad broke the silence.

“By the way, Janus, your mom and I got a call from the school today.”

Janus preemptively rolled his eyes. Was his dad actually going to try the discipline thing for once? This should be entertaining.

“They said you didn’t show up.”

Janus shrugged, shoving a forkful of food into his mouth. “So?”

“So,” his dad began slowly, “you can’t just skip school whenever you feel like it. You know that.”

Janus scoffed irritably. “This is the first time I’ve skipped this school year, get over it.”

His dad frowned, setting his fork down with a decisive clink. “I don’t think I like your attitude, young man. I would like a little respect, please.”

Oh, that was _rich_ coming from the man who couldn’t even face his wife and son most days. Janus didn’t have a shred of respect for his father, not anymore. Janus turned up his attitude purely out of spite.

“And?” he spat. “What are you going to do about it?”

Janus’s dad gave him a stern look. As a child, Janus would’ve been terrified by that look. As it was now, Janus couldn’t care less.

“I’m afraid if you keep this up, your mom and I will have to–”

“Oh, really?” Janus interrupted, seething. “You and Mom, huh? What are you going to do? Well, Mom?”

Janus turned to his mom, demanding an answer. She flinched back, crossing her arms in front of her and hugging herself tightly, almost defensively. She didn’t say a word.

“Wow, I’m so scared of what you’re going to do to me,” Janus said sarcastically. “I can tell you and Mom are really united in this.”

His dad made an aborted noise in the back of his throat, almost a growl as he leaned forward across the table. “I will ground you!” he threatened.

“I’d like to see you f*cking try,” Janus shot back, his voice rising to match his father’s in volume.

Because really, what was he going to do? Actually start coming home to enforce his punishment? Yeah, right.

They stared at each other, neither willing to back down. Janus wasn’t afraid, though. His dad couldn’t take anything from him that really mattered.

The silence stretched on, the tension building with each second. Janus probably should’ve been nervous at the very least, but he honestly felt more detached than anything. He was almost curious to see what would happen when something finally broke.

“So,” Janus’s mother spoke up softly. “How’s work going, Eric?”

The tension in the room snapped, before seeping away. Janus felt the stiffness in his shoulders melt, and he slouched against the back of his chair with a scowl. His dad sat back as well, sighing and giving a brief shake of his head. “I’m actually glad you brought that up, Liv, because I’ve got an announcement to make.”

Janus rolled his eyes. He doubted he would care about any work-related announcements his dad might have.

“We’re moving.”

Janus’s heart dropped into his stomach.

“What?” he breathed. Any anger he had been feeling had instantly dissipated, leaving nothing behind but an overwhelming feeling of dizziness.

“I think this could be a great opportunity for us. We’ll be heading out to–”

“When?” Janus demanded.

His dad paused. “Well, they need me out there pretty soon–”

“When?” Janus growled. He gripped his fork tightly in his hand, dreading the answer.

His dad gave him a faint smile. “Two weeks.”

The fork fell from Janus’s hand with a clatter. He swore all the breath left his lungs at once, and he completely zoned out as his dad kept talking, explaining where they’d be going and other such details.

None of which mattered because no matter where they went, Janus’s life would be ruined.

No. No no no– He couldn’t. He couldn’t! He couldn’t leave now, couldn’t leave the club, couldn’t leave–

Remus.

Janus’s heart pounded in his chest as it tried to settle on an emotion. He felt a burst of desperation, quickly swallowed by an all-consuming panic. But even that spiraled out of control, building to something– what, Janus couldn’t tell. But he doubted it would be anything good.

“Why?” he said, his voice soft but piercing, and his dad immediately stopped.

“…Janus?” 

“Why are you doing this?” Janus said, his voice just as quiet but unyielding in its insistence. “Why–” he cut off as his voice cracked, and he internally cursed himself. The panic was growing, building, higher higher higher–

His dad studied him for a moment, considering. “This is a routine reassignment,” he said carefully. “We’ve been through this before, you know that.”

The panic peaked, and for a brief second Janus couldn’t see as his vision flashed white in his eyes. 

And then his emotions settled, and Janus found that he actually did know this thing that they had settled on, what they had been building to all along. In fact, he was intimately familiar with the emotion now roaring like a fire in his veins.

Burning hot anger.

“Bullsh*t,” he snapped. His dad flinched, staring at him with wide eyes. “Bullsh*t!” Janus shouted again. “Don’t you dare look me in the eye and tell me that this is just ‘routine reassignment’ because that. Is. Bullsh*t!”

“Janus–” his dad tried.

“No!” Janus roared. “Don’t you f*cking dare try and lie to me! Because if this reassignment was really so routine, then why did it only start happening, what is it, seven years now? How come we never had to move before he–”

“Janus!” his mom hissed, her voice strained, her eyes darting everywhere except his face.

“Well guess what, Dad?” Janus continued, completely ignoring his mom. “You can’t just keep running forever! You can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen, because it did! Moving over and over again doesn’t change the fact that he’s– that he’s dead!”

Janus heard his mom’s strangled gasp, but he didn’t tear his eyes away from his dad, who had paled considerably.

“Why don’t we just– just calm down,” he said, holding up his hands placatingly. “I don’t understand, Janus, you never seemed to care this much when we moved before.”

Janus froze, because seriously?

He huffed out one breath of laughter, then another. It wasn’t long before he was full on cackling, gripping at his sides from the pressure. 

“Oh, really?” he managed to say between breaths. He slung off his hat with one hand and ran his other hand through his hair messily. “I never seemed to care? Are you stupid?”

His dad swallowed hard, seeming unable to tear his eyes away from his son, and Janus just laughed harder.

“Didn’t you notice when I stopped trying to make friends? By the third, maybe fourth move? Didn’t you notice when I stopped getting involved at school because it didn’t f*cking matter if I did?”

His dad visibly hesitated, but Janus didn’t bother to wait for an answer.

“Of course you didn’t!” he yelled, a little hysterically. “Because you’re never f*cking home! You don’t know anything about me! And now that I finally–”

Janus came to a shuddering halt. He felt the snake charm, tucked beneath his shirt, almost burning against his skin.

He buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t–

“Janus,” a voice spoke up softly. But it wasn’t his dad this time. It was his mom.

Janus peeked at her between his fingers.

“Is there a reason you want to stay?” she asked. Her voice was as meek as ever, but her eyes were uncharacteristically piercing as she waited for Janus’s response. 

Janus hid his face again. Memories flashed through his mind– Remus making funny faces at him from across the classroom, Remus dancing unashamedly in the middle of a crowd of strangers, Remus’s mouth on his, Remus, Remus, _Remus_ – 

But he couldn’t give them that. He wouldn’t. Remus deserved so much better than this, this broken family of his. Remus was the one good thing in his life, and Janus refused to let him be corrupted by everything else.

He knew, of course, that he only had so long until the inevitable. He couldn’t keep Remus safe from the darkness he carried inside of him forever.

But he’d try for as long as he could.

“I hate you,” he whispered.

“Janus–” Both of his parents, this time. Both trying to stop him, help him, or maybe even save him. But they were just as useless now as they had been seven years ago.

Janus pushed himself to his feet, his chair scraping stridently against the floor. “I hate you!” he shouted, giving both of his parents a vicious glare. “Just leave me alone!”

He stomped away from the table, storming into his room and slamming the door behind him.

He pressed his back to the door, sliding down to the floor. No one came after him, which was good, because it was becoming increasingly hard to breathe and he did _not_ want his parents to see him like this.

Two weeks.

Two weeks until he lost the only thing that mattered.

Janus let his head fall back against the door with a soft thud.

And it was then, and only then, that he finally allowed the tears he had been holding back to slip silently down his face, the only sign that there was anything at all behind those dead, dead eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All three of them are stuck in one of the stages of grief, and I can assure you that not one of them has made it to acceptance.
> 
> I haven't even started the next chapter yet, someone save me


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready to make some poor life choices woot woot
> 
> TWs for underage drinking and like. There's a couple of sentences where someone worries that someone else has been taken advantage of, but nothing like that happens at all, I promise.

"Hey, Janus!" Remus said cheerfully when Janus got to school the next day. "Get anything cool for your birthday?"

Janus didn't answer, and instead took a moment to just stare. He took Remus in, desperately trying to memorize every detail, from his beautiful green eyes all the way down to his beat up sneakers. He couldn't believe that in only two weeks, he would be gone. 

"Geez, Jay, are you okay? You look like hell."

Janus had barely slept the night before, which was probably why. But he still didn't answer, unable to tear his eyes away even as Remus's gentle concern shifted to solid worry. 

"Janus?"

Janus couldn't take it any longer, and he surged forward, grabbing Remus in a desperate hug. 

Remus startled at the sudden movement, but it was only a moment before he relaxed into it, swiftly bringing his arms around Janus comfortingly. Janus leaned into the hug, trying to count each and every point of contact. 

Before he could get even halfway through, Remus was pulling back, scanning him worriedly. "What's wrong?"

Janus avoided those piercing eyes. He had a feeling if he looked into them now, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from crying. 

"Did you get grounded for skipping yesterday?" he asked in lieu of an answer. 

Remus tilted his head, frowning. "No? Just a stern talking to. Why? Did you?"

"Please tell me there's a party somewhere tonight," Janus said, again ignoring Remus's question. 

Remus's answer came slower this time. “…Yeah. I think Sam's throwing a party later. But Janus–"

"Great, I'll pick you up tonight then," Janus interrupted. That would work just fine. 

He turned and headed to class before Remus could get out another word. 

Janus was antsy the entire school day. He didn't pay any attention during his classes. He didn't even try. Why bother? He wouldn't be around much longer. 

Two weeks. 

Remus didn't give up in his attempts to get answers, grilling him again at lunch, but Janus repeatedly redirected the conversation, giving him absolutely nothing for his efforts. Obviously the truth would come out soon enough, but Janus didn't think he could force himself to say the words. 

Two weeks. 

Janus steadfastly ignored Remus's worried looks during club after school, staring insistently at the screen. He doubted either of them absorbed much of the movie. Janus couldn't even say for sure what was playing. 

Two weeks. 

By the time Janus picked Remus up that evening, it seemed that Remus had given up. They spent the car ride in silence, Remus staring sullenly out the window. Janus felt bad, but he was also grateful for the reprieve. Just a little longer… 

But when they stopped in front of the house and Janus reached for the door handle, Remus stopped him with just one word. 

"Wait."

Janus froze, inches from freedom. 

Remus looked at him, and Janus felt his gaze like a heavy weight on his skin. 

"I need you to tell me what's wrong," Remus said simply. 

Oh, if only it were that simple. But Janus didn't just not want to explain– he didn't know how. 

A deep, guilty feeling already settling heavily in his gut, Janus got out of the car without a word. 

Just for one night, all he wanted to do was forget. Was that too much to ask?

He pushed his way into the house, feeling empty without Remus there, pulling him eagerly along.

He supposed he'd have to get used to that particular feeling. 

Janus went straight for the drinks, and for the first time since meeting Remus, he didn't hesitate to fill up a cup with undoubtedly spiked punch. 

By the time Remus caught up to him, he'd already downed the first one. 

"Janus!" Remus snapped sharply, though his concern still seeped through. "What's gotten into you? You never drink at these things!"

Janus just shrugged him off. "Doesn't mean I haven't wanted to," he muttered bitterly. "God knows you were never in any shape to get us home."

Remus’s mouth fell open, before his face fell. "I hadn't realized," he said guiltily.

Janus scowled into his drink. "Doesn't matter. I don't care."

He took another swig from his cup, grimacing at the taste. But he was already halfway to tipsy, so he considered it a success. 

Remus frowned, but gave a tentative nod. "But you still haven't told me what's wrong."

Janus busied himself with refilling his drink. 

"Janus, you have to tell me," Remus insisted. "Whatever it is, we can figure it out together."

Janus sighed, tapping his fingers against the side of his cup. "There's nothing you can do."

Technically, there probably _was_ something he could do. Remus's existence alone would probably be enough to convince his parents to stay. They would almost certainly understand if Janus just told them the truth. 

But Janus refused to give them that. They didn't deserve it. 

"I don't care! I still want to know!" Remus pleaded. "Even if I can't fix it, I still want to try and help you!"

Janus finished off his third cup, running a quick check on his emotions. They seemed to be wildly vacillating between semi-okay and miserably depressed– a noticeable improvement. 

He gave Remus a sloppy smile. "You want to help me?" he asked. Remus nodded seriously. 

"Leave it alone."

Janus lost himself to the intoxicating slosh of liquid in a cup, and let everything else fade away. 

The next time he thought to check, Remus was gone. 

The night passed in a blur. Janus didn't bother getting involved in any games or dancing, instead focusing on his drink. It was the only thing that could help him tonight. 

Two weeks. 

Janus scowled and brought the cup to his lips once more. 

Everything started to whirl around him as he tipped over the line from tantalizingly tipsy to downright drunk. It felt good. He felt good. The drinks slowly spread throughout his system, and everything around him faded into background noise.

After some time– how long, he couldn’t say– he heard a commotion. He glanced over lazily to see a group of rowdy teenagers traveling en masse toward the back door of the house. He would have just ignored it, save for one specific teen leading the pack. 

Remus.

Janus lit up, a smile on his face. He loved Remus! 

He pulled himself up from his spot, wandering over to where his boyfriend was. He met him right as he reached the door, reaching out to– well, he wasn’t sure yet. Hug him? Kiss him? The possibilities were endless, and each one made Janus giddier than the last.

But any greeting died on Janus’s tongue as he actually looked at Remus, and he felt a sobering chill shoot down his spine. 

Remus was a mess. His eyes, normally so bright and alive, were half lidded and barely focused. Even the determined set to his jaw couldn’t hide the devastation shimmering in his eyes. His movements were slow and achingly clumsy as he reached for the door. 

If Janus was drunk, then Remus was absolutely wasted. 

That, of course, didn't even take into account Remus's current state of undress. 

Janus blushed fiercely as he noticed that Remus had lost his pants at some point, and was now walking around in only his boxers. Additionally, he wore only one shoe and one sock, each on a different foot. 

As Janus looked at Remus, an unexpected wave of sadness pulsed through him, leaving him reeling. A thought flickered in the back of his mind, something to do with parents, or maybe just his dad, but he immediately shoved it away. Things were fine, he was here with Remus, his soulmate! There was no need to think about that other stuff.

"Hey Remus," Janus said, a nervous smile on his face. Even if things were fine, there was no denying that Remus looked miserable. "What are you doing?" 

Remus didn't even look over. "Got dared to go skinny dipping," he explained, his words terribly slurred. "Got to do it."

He fumbled with the doorknob, swearing as his fingers repeatedly failed to grasp it. Janus placed his hand over Remus's, preventing him from getting outside. 

"You should probably… not do that," he said uncertainly. Remus did dumb things while drunk a lot, he’d noticed. Janus didn’t like when he did that.

"Gotta," Remus mumbled. 

"No you don't," Janus said, his conviction growing stronger with each passing second. He turned to the rest of the group, raising his voice to be heard. "Hey, show's over," he called. "No one's jumping into any pools here."

The group of strangers slowly cleared, with a few grumbles but mostly just blank stares. Janus doubted half of them remembered what they were doing anyway. 

Janus wasn’t entirely sure either, if he was being honest, but he was fairly certain that letting Remus outside was a bad idea.

Remus didn't seem to have heard Janus at all. He had temporarily given up on the doorknob and was instead tugging at his shirt in an attempt to pull it off. 

Janus shook his head, trying to clear the self-inflicted fog from his brain. Remus needed him. 

"Remus, stop that," he scolded, his words slurring slightly despite himself. "I don't trust you to swim like this."

"Joke's on you, I can't swim at all," Remus said distractedly, his eyes glazed over. This did not seem to deter him from his intended goal in the slightest, and he whined softly as the door refused to open. 

Janus frowned at that, and he firmly grabbed Remus’s hand, pulling him away from the door and into the kitchen. He needed to get Remus out of here before he did something stupid. Janus himself was having a hard time staying focused, but he had the distinct feeling that this was important. Every time he found his mind wandering from his task, he gripped Remus's hand again as a reminder. 

Janus got himself a new cup and filled it with water from the tap, chugging it down quickly. With his other hand, he pulled out his phone, muttering a quick curse when his fingers weren't as cooperative as he'd like them to be. 

Because he was very sure of two things right now. One was that neither of them were in any condition to drive. 

The other was that he absolutely had to get Remus home. 

He had been so stupid to let himself get drunk, especially when he knew Remus depended on him. There was a reason he’d done it, there had to be, but whatever it was, it hadn’t been worth this. He tried for a moment to remember what had sent him down this particular path. A thought danced fleetingly across his mind, but it slipped away before he could grab it, and he was left grasping at straws for an answer.

With clumsy fingers, he dialed Roman's number. 

"Yeah, what is it?" Roman answered after a couple of rings. 

"Yeah, hey," Janus said, trying desperately to keep his voice steady. "We might need a ride?"

"Janus?" Roman asked, clearly surprised. "Are you drunk?"

Ah. Perhaps he hadn't been successful. “…Possibly?”

"What the hell, man? Are you serious?"

Roman sounded angry. That was probably fair. 

"Yeah, but anyway, we need a ride like, ASAP." Janus’s eyes drifted around the room as he spoke, and he idly wondered what he was talking about.

Roman huffed in irritation. "I'll be right there, just come outside so I can find you."

"Sure," Janus said distractedly. "Totally going to do that."

"I mean it, Janus," Roman threatened. "I don't want to come drag you guys out of there."

"Yeah I know," Janus said, and hung up. 

He watched for a minute as Remus wandered around the kitchen, pulling at his shirt. He only managed to get it part way off, and it bunched around his neck awkwardly. He stared at it, mildly distressed, and Janus couldn't help but laugh. 

"You look stupid," he snickered. 

Remus looked up, before glancing around in confusion. 

"Where'd everybody go?" he asked, stumbling artlessly over his words. 

Janus blinked, taking a moment to register his question. "Dunno," he said with a shrug. Who were they talking about?

Remus frowned. "But I was going to… where's the pool?" He yanked at his shirt once more, his tugs halfhearted but unceasing. 

Janus scanned the area. "No pool," he informed Remus. He didn't see one, anyway. 

"But I have to… I have to jump!" Remus said, growing agitated. "I have to because the people told me to and if I don’t they won’t like me!"

"Like you?" Janus repeated hazily. Wasn't there something he was supposed to be doing?

"No one likes me," Remus said dejectedly. "No one."

And that, that right there was absolutely ridiculous. Janus liked Remus. He liked him a lot. "That's not true."

Remus gave up his pacing, instead sliding to the floor in a heap. Janus thought that was a great idea, and he joined him. 

"Roman doesn't like me," Remus pointed out. "Janus doesn't like me either, and he's my soulmate." 

He looked over then, and let out a surprised sound. "Oh, hi Janus."

Janus would've greeted him back, but he was still stuck on this idea that he supposedly didn't like Remus, because that was f*cking stupid. 

"Remus, you’re so f*cking stupid."

The effect was immediate. Remus's eyes welled up with tears, and his voice wobbled piteously as he spoke his next words. "Is that why you don't like me?"

The sight was enough to snap Janus back into a more alert state of mind, and he immediately sat up, his eyes wide. 

Oh, f*ck.

"No no no," he hushed quickly, helping to pull Remus to his feet. "I just meant that of course I like you, god, Remus, what are you even talking about?"

Janus hurried to the sink, quickly downing another cup of water and then splashing some in his face for good measure. 

Remus sniffled pathetically from where he was pressed into Janus’s side. "I wanna go home."

"I know, I know," Janus murmured. "We're going to get you there."

He grabbed Remus tightly by the arm and ventured out into the rest of the house. He heaved the largely unresponsive Remus through the crowd, managing to get them outside just before Roman arrived. 

"Ow, my foot…" Remus complained, and Janus realized belatedly that he was still missing like half his clothes. Oh well. Nothing to be done about that now. 

Roman pulled up, and Janus proceeded to manhandle Remus into the backseat of the car. Remus's eyes fluttered shut, and Janus doubted he'd remember much of the night come morning. 

Janus stumbled around the car, letting himself into the front seat just in time to meet Roman's murderous gaze. 

"What happened?" he demanded. 

Janus blinked a couple of times. "Uh…"

Roman grabbed Janus by the shoulders, giving him an angry shake. "Answer me, dammit! You come here, drunk, Remus is out like a light, barely dressed–"

He cut himself off with a shaky breath. "Just tell me that no one… please…"

Janus's eyes widened in sudden understanding. "No, god no, nothing like that, I swear. He was going to jump in the pool, that's it. Nothing happened."

Roman let out a shaky sigh, resting his forehead against the wheel. "Thank god," he breathed. 

Then he whirled on Janus, anger flashing in his eyes. "What the hell, man, I thought you'd watch after him!"

Janus looked away guiltily. "I… I know, I just…"

He had been so busy making sure he had a hold on Remus that he hadn’t given himself time to remember how he’d gotten himself into this situation in the first place. Now that he had a second to breathe, he forced himself to focus through the slowly dissipating fog in his brain, concentrating hard to grab the needed memory. In a rush, everything came back, and Janus’s breath hitched as a wave of grief washed over him. 

Two weeks.

His hand flew up to his mouth as he bit back a sob. God, he was so stupid.

He'd just wanted to forget, if only for one night. 

And, well, he’d been successful. 

But at what cost?

F*ck, he’d messed everything up. He’d somehow managed to convince Remus that he didn’t like him, nearly given Roman a heart attack, and fixed exactly nothing.

Why couldn’t he ever do anything right?

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I was being stupid.”

“No sh*t, you moron!” Roman snapped. “How could you? I thought he’d be safe with you!”

Janus shrank in on himself, his face burning with shame. He was supposed to be the responsible one! How could he have f*cked up so badly?

“It won’t happen again,” he promised. 

“It better not,” Roman growled as he started the car.

It would be easy to keep his promise, Janus knew. He probably wouldn’t be going out with Remus again any time soon. He couldn’t believe he had wasted what could very well be his last night out with Remus so badly.

He stared out the window, unblinking. Maybe if he could keep his eyes open, the tears welling up in his eyes wouldn’t spill over.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The ride home was deathly silent, only soft, incoherent mumbles from Remus breaking the quiet. Janus didn’t have to look at Roman to know that he was fuming.

Janus didn’t blame him.

Roman pulled up in front of Janus’s house. He didn’t say a word, but the message was clear: _Get out._

Janus hesitated. “You’ll–” his voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, trying again. “You’ll take care of him?”

Roman gave him a look so cold Janus felt a shiver run down his spine. “Of course.”

And well, there wasn’t anything else to say, was there?

Janus let himself out of the car, timidly shutting the door behind him. He had to lurch back a step as Roman immediately drove off, nearly running over Janus’s toes in the process. 

And then Janus was alone.

Janus let out a shuddering breath. He just had to… get inside. Yeah. If he could just get to bed, maybe things would look better in the morning.

For some reason, he doubted it.

Janus made his way up to his front door, fumbling with the keys with shaking hands. He still wasn’t quite as sober as he would like to be, but there was only so much he could do about that.

He finally got inside, and was immediately greeted by his parents, worried looks on their faces.

His mom stepped forward, breathing a sigh of relief, as if Janus didn’t come home late every other week. “Hi, Janus,” she said softly, gently resting her small hands on Janus’s shoulders, as if to reassure herself that he was really there. 

“I’ve– _we’ve_ been meaning to talk to you,” his dad said, looping an arm around his wife’s waist for emphasis. “Can we talk?”

Janus was just sober enough to know that he very much did not want to talk to his parents, especially his dad. “No thanks,” he said, attempting to push past his parents and get to his room. But to his dismay, his dad grabbed him by the wrist, preventing his escape.

“Are you… are you drunk?” he asked incredulously.

“F*ck off,” Janus grumbled, pulling his arm free and making his way into his room, slamming the door behind him. All he wanted to do now was wallow in… self-pity? Self-hatred? Both?

A knock came at his door, and Janus’s mood plummeted further. 

“Janus, please. This is important.”

Janus flopped onto his bed, face first. He buried his face in his pillow, hoping it would muffle out his dad’s voice coming from outside his door.

It didn’t.

“I think you’re going to want to hear this.”

Janus let out a wordless, near silent scream. Didn’t his dad get that he didn’t want to hear anything he had to say?

Janus felt more than heard his dad’s sigh. “Okay. I won’t come in if you don’t want me to. But I just wanted to let you know that I talked about it with your mom, and we decided that it might be better if we stay. At least until the end of the school year.”

Janus froze. Did he mean…?

His dad kept talking, unaware of the effect his words were having.

“I realized that it was unfair of me to keep making these decisions without asking you two, so I’m going to try and be better about it. I never meant to hurt you, I promise. I already spoke to my boss, and she–”

His dad suddenly cut off with a surprised yelp as Janus flung open the door and threw his arms around him.

“Thank you,” Janus whispered.

His dad stood, frozen, as Janus hugged him for the first time in years. But after a moment, he returned the hug, holding Janus securely in his arms. 

“Of course,” he said, sounding just a little bit wrecked. 

And then, the moment was over. Janus quickly shoved his dad away, retreating to his room and shutting his door firmly behind him. He didn’t feel the need to slam it this time, though, so that was something.

Janus climbed back into bed, and finally let his tears fall. But the ache in his heart had eased slightly, and he was smiling, and then giggling, because maybe things would be okay after all.

Things… would be okay.

He grabbed his phone, pulling up Remus’s name. There was still one more thing he needed to do before he could succumb to sleep.

 **Janus:** _m srry about 2nite.._

**Janus:** _its better now dw_

 **Janus:** _im stypid but evrrytin gs fine_

Janus squinted at his phone screen. Those were… truly awful, he was sure. But, well. He was stupid tired and drunk as hell. 

He didn’t worry when he didn’t get a text back before he drifted off to sleep. Remus was already passed out by now, no doubt.

He didn’t worry when he hadn’t gotten a text back by the next morning, either. Remus probably had a wicked hungover, so Janus could hardly blame him for not bothering to send off a text.

He only really started to worry when he got to their usual spot before school only to find that no one was there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering, Janus's mom drove him to pick up his car the next morning.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated :)


End file.
